Hello French Lady,

I just joined livingwithlimerence.com after reading the book Living with Limerence by Dr L. You are spot on about becoming or getting dependent to blogging on this site (or any social media). I think I’ve always been prone toward being a limerent, probably since I was a teenager. Now at 70, I need to get over it – it’s time. So I haven’t put out any information about myself because I think it would be easy to get addicted to constantly talking about the long ago relationship with the LO.

I have done a few things as a start to stop the obsessing. I haven’t gone as far as writing a Ulysses Contract with myself, but I have started working out regularly and I have changed my diet so that I am healthier (7 months now). I have joined a few organizations that are made up of baby boomers and plan to attend some of their events. I think every time I comment on someone’s blog, I will only do so if I have actually done something new and interesting to distract myself from this ‘mindless regurgitation’. In the wonderful words of T.D. Jakes ‘Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.’.

What a waste of my mental time and brain space for so many years. To anyone that reads this, please don’t waste your precious years.

For clarity sake– it looks like I am bunching in this page with that of instagram and social media. I am not. Just the screen time guilt trip is similar

My recent LE was ten days ago. What got me here was how I remembered the last one took 2 months to even ease down a notch

I can’t afford a two month skylark right now. Reasons reasons etc. I have an intellectual understanding of prison yet still end up there.

I am more help to the world on the outside. You have all helped me stay CLEAR and CLEAN.

A mantra I believe in is

Let them be

And yet it’s so hard

For now i leave and let you be!

This site is perfect for a quick refresh

I stopped doing social media since 2016 (coincidence?)

I cannot express how much my purpose in life is switched to that which I actually do from that which I show that I do

For artists social media is helpful ok but for those of us who want be emotionally authentic it’s a waste of misguided attempting to Guage empathy while the competitive artists are TOTALLY ADDICTED AND TRANSFIXED to their phones watching the LIKES go up like an altimeter forgetting that if one more person LIKES your stuff at no point has your quality improved.

As Instagram broke i was being told to join.

I’d be at meetings with other artists and YOU WILL BE EMBARRASSED to know how attached they are to all your likes now that the means to the mass production of propaganda has been democratized

In a kinda smug way I had to ask myself if I am the only artist in the room? One not totally hooked on approval.

Sites like this brew a hard core of those invested

We gotta be grateful to their groundwork

I came here because i had a GLIMMER occur last week for the first time in ten years and had me examining all the factors. I remembered the idea of limerence and here I am with you guys

I might be a low flyer on this radar coz my limerence never lasts too long and they are always for totally inappropriate people and I slide into a “all objections aside–what conditions would be required for this To be a suitable match?”

Once I’ve narrowed it down to the Desert Island last pair on earth that’s when i can take her into MY OTHER WORLDS created purposely for wayfaring through idealist outcomes…

I found myself EUPHORIC over a quite random encounter with a young lady who praised my hat. I know it is a sincere compliment because It gets lots of favoritism and most who comment don’t stop me in my tracks and after ten years of owning it I ought to be OK by now…

So I came here.

In two evenings of listening to the extreme scenarios that remind me so much of my own path… and the advice and comments–i feel you guys have PULLED ME OUT OF A CURVE and so if it meant a few of you putting more time here than you think it worth well that’s ok… as a writer myself I gotta say

Nothing here is unnecessary comment

Cheers to all the lims and those in waiting to pop outa nowhere

“All of this is chemicals? Do you understand why it’s so hard to let go of as if it’s something evil/unwanted?”

@Oak.

You raise an interesting point. The highs and lows of limerence are obviously chemical in nature. And yet, at the same time, us limerents often create in our heads some story about our LOs or the limerence itself, which further reinforces and legitimises whatever it is the chemicals are doing.

The story becomes powerful. The emotions tied to the story become powerful. Sometimes, even a person’s whole identity can become wrapped up in limerence. E.g. this is the only person who appreciates the real me. I never felt loved, and then I met this wonderful human…

Do the chemical feed the emotions? Do the emotions feed the chemicals? I think, once the chemicals and the emotions have become fused, it’s very hard to separate them again and say just what is chemical and what is emotional. We almost become the star character in a movie, and the movie plot is being driven by our own unconscious biological mechanisms.

I guess limerence activates an intensely emotional part of our brains?

Do we attribute amazing qualities to our LOs because they make us feel so good? Do we celebrate “love” because “love” (really infatuation) makes us feel so good? What happens when the chemicals wear off? Do we stop believing in romance? Do we see LOs as the frightfully boring mortals they were all along, etc? Do we admit we made a mistake and try again with somebody new, only for the same process of disillusionment to occur?

Obviously, I’m being playful in my remarks. But, yes, so many questions.

I don’t know if we should say limerence is evil/unwanted. Maybe we can phrase that more tactfully? I mean, limerence thrives on obstacles. So, if one believes people are frowning on limerence, that’s only going to strengthen the limerence. Limerence needs to be seen as … hm, I dunno … a unique biological state that’s thrilling but doesn’t last indefinitely?

Just as it is hard to people outside of the limerence experience to understand what limerence is, it’s hard for people who are undergoing limerence to remember what life was life before limerence came along. Limerence kind of messes around with memories and perceptions.

It is a really complicated subject. My limerent episode has come to an end. But I can’t go back to the man (really, boy) I was before limerence. Limerence changed me and it changed me for the better I believe. (It allowed me to develop aspects of my personality that had been repressed). But it also took a long, long time to get off the limerent crazy train… 😛

Seeing a limerent episode through to its logical conclusion (hopefully self-awareness and self-growth, outgrowing the real and/or perceived charms of a given LO) takes its own kind of moral fortitude and commitment.

In a nutshell, suffering can be very beneficial to one’s character, and make one a better person. But should sane human beings expose themselves to suffering willy-nilly if said suffering can be easily avoided?

Thomas,

The fact that you can’t craft an FTE tells you as much as if you can.

And, an FTE can change over time.

In 1985, I thought I’d be at this point in my life with LO #2. That was my FTE, then.

Now, my FTE for LO #2 would be to see her standing misty-eyed in front of me saying, “Letting you get away was the biggest mistake I ever made and not a day goes by that I don’t wonder what we might have had together if I hadn’t pushed you away.” I never saw the faintest hint of regret or remorse in LO #2 and I want that. I want to know that the time we spent together mattered and that I mattered. That’s my FTE.

With LO #4, it’s a lot simpler. That FTE was her telling me, “If you’re ever back on the market, look me up.”

I’ll never get either of them. That’s the way it is. Sometimes, you want something just because you want it. It may not be rational.

There’s another game you can play. You clear your mind. Where do you see yourself 6 months, a year, 5 years, 20 years down the road? Is there a particular somebody in that vision? Is there anybody in that vision? Sometimes, it can be kind of a vague, shadowy figure because you haven’t met them yet, and sometimes there’s nobody at all. It can also be interesting to watch someone fade from those visions. They’re just gone.

I play that game from time to time. The only person I see there is my wife. I can’t see exactly where we are or what we’re doing [none of it involves an RV], but we’re doing it together.

Also Oak,

A lot of deathbed imagery in last post. Grief is a powerful thing.

It might be worth seeking some support from a counsellor, or even speaking to somebody on a helpline.

Lots of emotions.

Oak.

For clarification, your SO has a lover? You have welcomed them into your life.

Is this correct?

Is your primary relationship open?

LE,

I like the idea of questioning your FTE.

It sounds like a valuable tool for reflection in an LE.

It’s also difficult. I knew from early on that my FTE with last LO was complete fantasy. Tbh I knew that he actually lacked many qualities to be part of a genuine FTE for me.

But knowing that I was still addicted to what we WERE doing. That I think was paradoxical to him.

Fundamentally we were f***buddies I suppose. I made it clear that I was getting what I needed from that. In a way, my LE provided this magical illusion of closeness. I didn’t need to develop the real relationship further. When I imagined an FTE of cohabitation, walks in the country with my handsome husband etc. None of it rang true. So I opted to remain in limerence, gradually becoming more and more ‘needy’ (his word, horrible, but I’ll own it) but still wanting not to commit.

‘Casual’ + needy. Not a great look in the end.

So, what I’m getting at is, it is possible to dismiss the liklihood of your FTE and opt for ongoing limbo.

Just thoughts. Rambling.

I think it’s been mentioned as a symptom elsewhere, but in early stage limetence, (before it gets complicated) I tend to feel quite energised in general. I focus more on my work (which is good, I enjoy my work) and I generally feel more ‘bouncy’ or whatever.

Obviously once things head south I forget almost completely about work because I’m focused entirely on maintaining what I imagine is a nosediving LE… Generally by sending too many texts, too often, then waiting for the responses I AM OWED GODDAMMIT.

I mean. I’m such a cutie! Who’d ghost me? Seriously?

🙄