Your post is a few months old. But I find it heart wrenching. If you’re still on the blog, I hope things have improved. You are sincere. You recognize the malignancy. That will help.

My apologies in advance for posting such a long-winded and incoherent message.

I am not sure where to start my limerence story. I am 40+ year-old closeted gay, living a happy and content life. I don’t have any partners and I have been living single. One fine morning in April or May this year, I stepped out of my flat to get a coffee from a near-by café, and on my way to the café, I saw a gorgeous-looking young man, who appeared to be in his early 20s, go past me. I thought to myself how charming that guy was(I refer to him as Mr.Charming in this post). Then I returned home with my coffee, joined work calls on laptop, and I completely forgot about the guy. So, there was hardly any recollection of that guy from that point onwards. After about two weeks, I again went to get my morning coffee from the same café, and I happened to see the same Mr. Charming and this time from up close. I found him even more handsome and charming than the first time. Like the first time, I returned home, enjoyed my coffee and got busy with remote calls while working from home. I did not think about that guy at all for next few weeks. I had absolutely no idea who he was, where he worked, where he lived, of what heritage he was etc.

In June, I went overseas for 3 weeks; and upon my return, I was busy looking for a new job. Around mid-August, I had two job offers – one with company A and another one with company B. I was all in on joining the company B, but there was a last minute change of heart. And, I ended up joining company A because that office location is just across the road for me. On my first day at work, there was a series of introductory meetings. I was attending one such meeting and, for some reason, just peeped out from the glass wall in the meeting room and I saw a glimpse of Mr. Charming walking past the meeting room. My initial reflect was that it was a figment of my imagination. Maybe I was under some illusion and, surely, that could not be Mr. Charming. I did not see the guy for next few days. So far so good. After a week or so, I happened to see the guy from about 8-10 metres and this time there was no doubt, it was Mr.Charming.
I was staggered by this coincidence that the guy I saw on the street was going to be my colleague and sat on the same level as I was. Not sure if it was some sort of premonition or clairvoyance, I wanted to avoid bumping into Mr.Charming just in case I get too fascinated by him. At that point, I hardly knew a word such as “limerence” existed in the dictionary. Unwittingly, I went too hard and too soon. At all costs, I wanted to avoid any potential repeat of obsession that I had experienced with a couple of other guys more than 10 years ago. So, I started avoiding any contact or chance encounter with this person. Up to this point, I was in total control of myself. After a week or so, I started experiencing early symptoms of Limerence. As days rolled on, I continued to avoid this guy, but it was getting increasingly difficult for me to stop thinking about him. To add to my woes, I happened to bump into this guy on a Sunday while I was out for shopping. On one other occasion, when I was returning home from a daylong visit to a different site, out of reflex, I looked at the entrance of our office (because the office was enroute to my home), guess what? I saw Mr.Charming out of the office. With each sighting of him, my limerence level kept rising. After a week or so, this guy was away from work for a few days and hence there was no distraction for me. However, a part of me was missing his absence – so much so that upon his return to work after a week, as soon as I saw him, my heart throbbed so fast as if I had a heavy dose of caffeine. That was the first time I experienced how strong the phenomenon of limerence I was sucked into.

That was the first time I realised how deeply I was into the state of limerence. With each passing day, my obsession kept growing and now my sleep was getting affected. I started waking up at 3 am or 4 am and found difficult to go back to sleep. Through out this time, I remained avoiding my LO, and I did not have a single direct encounter wherein we faced each other. Around this time in early October, I sensed that my LO observed I was avoiding him as there were two awkward moments when I turned my eyes away from him — to the point of being construed as a rude prick. In mid-October, to my utter consternation, the mother of all coincidences occurred. The LO’s job role was changed and as part of his new role, he had to move his work location. Incredulously, his new desk was just next to mine and our desks were such that we face each other while working. This was the final straw that broke camel’s back. While I could avoid eye contact and chance meetings while he was sitting a few desks aways, from mid-October onwards that was untenable and I had no where to hide. So, I started greeting him “good morning” and “good bye” and he reciprocated and vice-versa. In the last two months since he moved his desk, he has been looking at me at times as if to suggest why I don’t go beyond greetings. Whole of this period, I never had any romantic or sexual fantasies involving my LO. But what is undeniable is that I am profoundly in limerence with him and I am still in awe of his gorgeous looks. And I also have a strong belief that he is straight and has a girl friend. What is more, I gathered that Mr.Charming has the same heritage (racial origin) as that of mine.

With this background, I don’t know what to do. My limerence and fascination with this guy is untenable – not just in terms of realism, but from moralistic angle as well. On any criterion — age, sexual orientation, physical appearance — there was hardly any match between us. So, having any relationship with this guy was never on my mind. So that baffles me even more why I continue to suffer from this malignant influence of limerence. I am like a dog that chases a car. So, I don’t know if that guy does start speaking to me, what I am going to do.

For the first few weeks after this guy relocated to my opposite desk, my limerence seemed to have faded — at least, that is what I thought. But I was patently wrong: my sleep patterns have changed in last two months or so. I have been waking up too early and finding it difficult to return to sleep again. With no romantic urge or sexual gratification of any sort, I just don’t see what is the point of my limerence?

In a way, I brought this upon myself. I always had the hubris that emotionally I was so balanced that nothing could faze me as I have always been good at moving on from unpleasant or painful episodes due to my varied interests in sports, music, literature, politics etc. The events in the last three months have shone a light on how vulnerable (emotionally) I had always been, and thoughts on a complete stranger could render me this helpless. I always thought relationships were never my thing and I still firmly believe that I have no interest in pursuing a relationship — even with Mr. Charming. That is why all this suffering feels completely pointless.

Welcome!

Here’s the Blog Archive link. It has all DrL’s articles: https://livingwithlimerence.com/blog-archive/

Keep reading!

Thanks for the suggestions. I am a bit late in responding, so you may not see this. I understand the points you are making. The problem is that employers are so focused on hiring only people who have held the exact same job in the exact same industry using the exact same tools and technology in an organization with a similar culture. Employers want the sun, the moon and the stars these days. My job is so specialized it makes it difficult to make a career change.

I am actually pretty good at and enjoy maybe five or six different things (and all of them relate to my current and previous role), so that is another problem because I find it hard to narrow one field down and jettison all of those other skills and competencies. It is difficult to waste all of that time, money and effort on one thing, but at this point I am focused on a slight pivot to a similar role (with the same job title) in a slightly different industry. I think I can leverage a lot of what I know, but I will need to acquire some technical skills to do it (I am not technical and it can be difficult to break into the tech industry, especially in one’s 50s). But the type of job I want to move towards is well-paid and high in demand, and most of the people who do that job aren’t in their 20s. I am pretty sure I will focus on that, but that means I have to ignore a whole lot of other interests, passions, skills, education and experience. But the thing is I have thought up a side hustle that uses a lot of those skills and experience. The thing is even that will require me to take some additional courses, and I’m not sure about trying to qualify for two new careers simultaneously. Still, I can start my side hustle in a smaller way and scale it up once I acquire the necessary skills and qualifications. It could even eventually be my full-time gig if it really works out. That will help me to make some money, pay off some debts and even allow my wife and I to go our separate ways while ensuring we can both be financially independent.

The problem is I really need to buck up at my work, grit my teeth, put my nose to the grindstone, stop thinking about my LOs and get caught up. I am months behind at work and I would be in serious trouble if my superiors found out. I have little to no motivation, but I am starting to find I can get motivated on certain days and at certain times (particularly when I come into the office rather than working from home). I need to focus on the prize and the need to leave with my head held high. To do that, I am going to need to battle my limerence a little better than I have been. I thought I had turned the corner, but the last few weeks saw me regress a bit in my ruminations over LO #2 (and even LO #1, who was on my mind quite a bit today).

Vicarious, I can totally relate and sympathize to how it feels to be at work and dealing with limerence. For 2 years I was so distracted. It was so awful and I feel very ashamed and guilty about it. It actually affected my work output and relations with some of my coworkers, who will never know what my problem was. My LO was not a co-worker, but would distract me all day with texts and phone calls from several states away. We never actually met in person, but the LE was overwhelming and I think it was mutual. It took a lot of hard work to get where I am “meh” now. But I want you to know that I share that same feeling about work and guilt. I think you should really take a look at what else out there could be a possibility, given your skill set. You mentioned you are in a certain industry but skills are skills…like managing, negotiating and so on….they can be applied elsewhere.
I personally tend to think that my being bored with work was part of my vulnerability to limerence. I was just hanging in there waiting for an early retirement date to come. I have now retired. But, looking back, if I had lived with more purpose and looked for new options, I might have avoided this whole mess I got myself into. “Might have!”
Anyway, I feel for you. You might be surprised what else is out there. Maybe work with a coach and brainstorm some ideas? Best of luck to you!

Very true, LE. Little things like personal interests can make a huge difference to how compatible people are. Having said that, I strongly believe we can’t and shouldn’t have all of our needs met by our SOs (and I believe you kind of alluded to that with your wife’s interest in open houses and fabric stores). We need other people and interests in our lives, as well as some time alone and with people other than our spouses. I also don’t think I would like to meet someone who is an exact female clone of myself. Sometimes our differences can help us complement one another, and our partner’s strengths can help us overcome our own weaknesses.

For a long time, I thought my interest in dating or even marrying someone with similar musical tastes was immature and silly. Back in high school during the 1980s, our peer groups and cliques were very segregated along musical lines. It was kind of stupid in a way, and I always remembered that kind of animosity and segregation from back then getting in the way of broadening one’s circle of friends. I later began to think of any idea that I would like to meet a metalhead (or at least someone who likes hard rock and/or alternative rock) as limiting myself and focusing on something that isn’t really all that important. But I have to admit that it is so fantastic hanging out with a fun, beautiful, exciting lady who likes much of the same music I do and will go to rock shows with me. It is so different from my wife, who has very little in common with me musically and will often shout, “Turn that f**king shit off!” when I am playing my music.

Marshmallow,

“Let me guess – you’re an engineer.”

Well, that’s what it says on my diploma and that’s how my employer codes me but I won the Social Studies Award in HS, not math or science. I get along better with people like lawyers and psychologists than I do with other engineers although I did have an affinity for nurses and got along really well with them.

My wife liked that I had experience. She didn’t like thinking about how I got that experience. It took a lot of really nice places off the table. Part of the experience was finding our places. We did.

As soon as we got engaged, I sold my house and most of my furniture. The bedroom set lasted until we had our own place but the mattress and sheets went immediately.

Ok, so maybe I made the mistake twice…

I had LO #2’s engagement ring custom made. It was a 2.5 carat brown diamond. Even after declining my proposal, she asked me once if she could wear it to some event but on a different finger. The woman had Chutzpah with a capital “C.”

After we were married, I was showing my wife my stuff. She took one look at that ring and went stone cold…again. I told her I’d dismount the stone and put it into whatever my wife wanted to make it. She said she would never wear that stone in anything as long as she lived. I could have dismounted the stone after breaking up with LO #2 but, honestly, I didn’t think about the ring. It was over two years from the time I’d asked LO #2 to marry me and meeting my wife.

My wife hasn’t seen it in over 30 years. I had the diamond unmounted and It’s in a safe deposit box in an envelope with the kids’ names on it.

Sometimes, we don’t even realize we’ve planted a mine until we step on it.

“I learned that lesson the hard way and only made that mistake once. In my case, it was taking my wife to a place I’d gone to with the LO I had asked to marry me before meeting my wife.”

Let me guess – you’re an engineer.

VL,

“Do things like musical tastes matter?”

They can. I’ve never been limerent for anyone I wasn’t or really wanted to be attached to. For me, that didn’t happen instantaneously.

LO #4 ran a website on a subject my wife had absolutely zero interest in. That’s not a deficiency. My wife is interested in things I have no interest in. My wife likes looking at Open Houses on Sundays. My idea of hell is an endless Sunday of driving between Open Houses and stopping at fabric stores in between.

LO #4 liked what I had to say and asked me to be a moderator on her site. Over time, our conversations went into other areas of our lives. I could see she was unhappy and went down a path I shouldn’t have gone down. It almost blew up on me.

So, yeah, sometimes little things mean a lot.