I agree

This is encouraging to hear. Thank you for sharing.

I’ve appreciated the fact that I’ve been able to share my story and work through a lot of things here without feeling judged or being told “you absolutely have to do ______”. For the most part, when I’ve been engaging in rumination and bargaining, I’ve been getting feedback like “I don’t think that’s likely going to work, but I understand why you’re thinking that way right now” – that kind of feedback works really well for me because it makes me feel heard and makes me feel like I have the freedom to make my own decisions, while also giving me encouragement to think more deeply about why some of these ideas are unlikely to work. And then when I’ve veered into more dangerous territory like last week, the community here was pretty quick to collectively throw a bunch of cold water in my face and keep me from making any seriously bad choices.

Overall, I’ve felt that the community here has been tolerant of me working through stuff in my own way, while keeping certain lines firmly drawn and illuminated. There seems to be an overall strong ethic here about marriage vows and commitments to SOs being sacred, and there doesn’t seem to be enabling when it comes to things like physical affairs or considering leaving SO for LO.

And it’s clear to me that the overall ethic of this site is the goal of freeing oneself from limerence via no-contact and purposeful living. My most immediate goal since coming here has been to prevent my EA from turning physical, and this community has helped me a lot with that, especially during my little crisis last week. When LO was texting me last week and hinting around at the idea of getting physical, I had you all in my head when I was replying to her that it could never happen. You all have helped me to survive the biggest threats, while providing gentle encouragement for me to move toward full commitment to honest and purposeful living. I’m gonna get there.

Appreciate this discussion about comments and the shifting dynamics of posters to the site. I’ve always been lassiez-faire about comments and only ever edit out obvious trolls, spam, or profanity that might compromise the site with search engines. While that fits my general approach to life, it does run the risk of the comments becoming a bit of a wild west and not always aligned with the guiding philosophy of the site (= purposeful living is the best way to healthily manage limerence).

Having reflected on this for several years, I’m not sure there is a good solution to this issue or even that it is necessarily a problem. When life was less demanding, I was able to join in more often and thereby keep the guiding philosophy clear, but that’s become less feasible just now.

So, this is just a quick intervention to reiterate that everyone is welcome and all contributions are appreciated, but I’m also grateful to those who jump in where conversations drift into “enabling the addict” territory and away from supporting people who are trying to get clean. The goal is to help people reach a purposeful future free of duplicity, rather than ruminating and bargaining and trying to find a way to have their limerent cake and eat it.

I’ve tried to keep this broad and not name individuals (as I genuinely do appreciate all contributions and this is more about the “vibe” than specific posts), but I’ll end by affirming that L.E. has been a stalwart of the site for years (thanks, dude) and gets my philosophy. Even if he is sometimes more blunt that I would be.

Balance is the key. Keep walking the tightrope, folks!

“Get enough like-minded people together in any situation and you run the risk of groupthink.”

I have been wary of this and have picked certain conversations/situations to be a part of and others to stay out of. If I’m being honest, there are a few conversations here I’m not comfortable with that I stay out of. I always want any opinion or advice I give to be helpful in a positive direction out of limerence and away from harm towards purposeful living. That is at least my goal.

Thanks for pointing that out. I can’t read his mind. I ask him, he answers and then I take his word for it. I didn’t mean to put him in a crappy spot. I’ll be thinking about what you said. Thank you so much!

Lovisa,

“Thanks, you are correct. I have checked in many times with my SO, “Do you want me to cut off contact? I’ll do it. You are more important to me than LO.” He always says he trusts me and he thinks LO is a good influence on me. He directly told me, “I don’t want you to stop being friends with LO2 and his friend.”

Not surprising.

Of course, he’s going to say that. He doesn’t want to risk you resenting him for it. You put the onus on him. That’s making him do the dirty work. He loves you and he’s willing to accept things as they are even if he doesn’t like them.

You put him in a double bind. If he says he wants you to go NC, in his mind he runs the risk of you resenting him. If he accepts it, he lives with having to keep his eye on you. He probably does trust you but he’s hypervigilant now. Some people handle hypervigilance better than others.

He’s in a crappy spot.

I’ve read every blog and every comment on this site. People come and go. Some people pop in every now and then but with others, once they stop posting, they never return. The hope being that LwL has helped them and they’ve moved on to a better life.

I’ve seen posters who bond with each other. They get into long running dialogs with each other. I was never on the private forum so I can’t speak to what went on there. But, they always retained their distinct identity.

This is different.

I’ve never seen a group of posters with roughly the same problem, i.e., an attached limerent with a co-worker LO, posting at the same time and gel in a synergistic way. Toss in Lovisa has emerged as the Den Mother for the group. It’s a different phenomenon for LwL. You guys have formed a cadre. It’s an interesting dynamic to observe. Get enough like-minded people together in any situation and you run the risk of groupthink. That’s what I was thinking when I said that there was a fine line between being supportive and being enabling.

“I think L.E.s advice is always more on the tough love side of things…” Thank you for that, Speedy. That was very gracious.

Frederico, I appreciate your words of caution. You appear to be protective of Dr L’s content. It feels like you think we invalidate his wisdom when we offer each other support directly instead of referring to specific articles. I wonder why it’s so important to you. You are just as guilty of reaching out to fellow limerents in supportive ways. Are you concerned that there is some good-intentioned, but unhelpful advice in the comments section? I remember you called me out for suggesting that Adam take up walking. I think the walking was in fact beneficial for Adam. I wonder what’s really bothering you… hmmm. I really don’t know, but I am glad you contribute here because you bring something unique and good to the conversation.

Yes, please elaborate on this, Limerent Emeritus.