Comments on: Case study: limerent for a mentor

By: Eve

Eve — Sun, 27 Nov 2022 11:21:27 +0000

Hi Lotus, I hope you’re well and that the situation has improved in the meantime. I’ve been following this site for quite some time now, after a very bad LE (My first ever. Also for a mentor…of the narcissistic kind). We tackled that together with my husband, as a team, and we’re at a great place now. And although I think I’ve just had the “glimmer” now for someone else (also a mentor…), it’s comforting to know that, thanks to this site and my previous LE, I’m wiser now and I know how to manage it.

I’ve never commented on this site but 2 days ago something happened, and I feel like sharing it could be helpful to you and the rest of the community.
A friend of mine, 29 years old, told me she has cancer. I was in shock (still am), I didn’t expect it, she has a very healthy lifestyle and nobody in her family has ever had cancer. It’s just bad luck, so it could easily have been me.

As devastating as this news was, I think that in a weird way, it was the wake-up call I needed. Because I immediately had this feeling of “who would I want by my side if I were in her shoes”, and clearly, it was NOT LO. I may be wrong, but I think a lot of us, if we think deeply about it and if we’re honest with ourselves, would give a similar answer to that question. It truly helped me to picture myself in her situation, and I think it is a very good “exercise” to do whenever you’re in doubt about what/who is important in your life. Also, the fact that she’s going through this hardship gives me a sense of purpose because now being a good and supportive friend to her matters way more to me than indulging in limerent reverie.

It may not be much but I really hope this comment can help my fellow limerents 🙂

By: Onfire

Onfire — Wed, 10 Nov 2021 08:38:51 +0000

In reply to Josephine.

I have the experience of the work relationship ending ubruptly but with a different outcome. I went to lunch with my LO after he failed to sign the new contract for his employment there. We stayed, talked, I told him how I felt. I had been like his assistant, it was brutal to say the least when he left. He’d promoted me when his other program manager retired and off we went. I couldn’t believe what was happening to me. I cried on my way home after working with him for the day.
Well now we’re in a PA and it’s Heartbreak hotel for me and him. And he’s married and 15 years older than I am. So, my reasoning for going through with this is that I couldn’t let it hang. I had to find out, play it out. We’ll see in 3 years if the outcome is worse than yours. You are lucky he cut you off.

By: Josephine

Josephine — Fri, 22 Oct 2021 17:36:21 +0000

In reply to Limerent Emeritus. Thanks. That really helps. I hadn’t noticed that blog.

By: Limerent Emeritus

Limerent Emeritus — Fri, 22 Oct 2021 16:56:39 +0000

In reply to Josephine.

“I just wondered if anyone else has had a LO who so abruptly and cruelly cut contact and how it affected them.”

There’s a blog on it: https://livingwithlimerence.com/case-study-ghosted-by-lo/

By: Josephine

Josephine — Fri, 22 Oct 2021 16:33:06 +0000

This site has been invaluable for me. Thank you Dr Limerence, I would never have been able to gain insight into what happened to me 6 years ago, and an explanation for the utter desolation I felt without it.
However, I have yet to come across another person’s experience which is similar to mine.
My LO came into my workplace as a locum and I helped him to settle in and forged a strong friendship with him – He was more experienced than me but I helped him with the computer and office systems and he seemed grateful and was very appreciative.
We laughed together, helped each other with work and generally got on like a house on fire. He started to flirt and leave me little gifts, which I found flattering. However, I distinctly remember thinking at that time ‘I will have to put a stop to this. I think he is attracted to me’ (we both have SOs).
However, within about 3 months I had felt the glimmer and was deep into the madness of LE and didn’t want it to stop.
At the same time as all this was happening, I was being horribly bullied by a senior manager, to such an extent that I became ill and had to complain about her behaviour. ( I am extremely conscientious, yet she found fault with everything I did, which was soul destroying.) U see normal circumstances I am sure I would just have left the company, but I stayed to be close to LO.
HR told me that other people had also complained about the bullying manager and to resolve the situation they moved that manager to another office and promoted LO and made him permanent so he became my manager and mentor resulting in LE becoming more intense.
LO seemed slightly colder towards me but still we enjoyed great chats, sometimes about very personal matters. He appeared to be supportive of me and be encouraging towards me in my career path.
3 months later , to my absolute shock and horror, I received a performance letter from HR stating several very trivial examples of poor performance by me, all of which were either distortions or outright lies. My LO was named as the witness in the letter and I was invited to a disciplinary meeting.
LO had absented himself on the day I received this letter, so I could not confront him.
I immediately left the company as I couldn’t bear the thought of the disciplinary hearing or sitting across a table from him as he accused me of various invented misdemeanours.
I found all this experience absolutely devastating, and of course could not fully discuss it with my SO, as that would mean disclosing the true cause of my pain.
My SO is truly amazing and I would not hurt him for the world.
A close friend and my sister got me through that period, which I fear could have had a terrible outcome. My self confidence was totally shattered and I couldn’t work for 11 months.
I did try to contact LO on several occasions by text, but only got terse replies and it was obvious that he didn’t want me to ‘darken his door’ again. When I accused him by text of being a bad friend he told me to never contact him again and he refused to give me a reference for a future job.
After a period of NC, I stupidly wrote to him forgiving him , as I think he was pressurised into doing what he did by the bully boss, but I received no reply.
I did manage to get another job as I had plenty of other former managers who readily gave me a reference as they know me to be a loyal, committed employee. I replaced the bad working experience with a great one and regained my confidence.
I have now gone 3 years NC, but because it was not my choice, I don’t think I have had the closure I should have had. I have also been left with the mystery of never finding out what really happened or why LO acted as he did or why he just kicked me aside after a year of friendship.
I haven’t seen him for over 6 years but still think of him every day and wonder why he was so cruel. The LE has lessened but is still there and I don’t know why. Why would anyone still obsess over someone who was so horrible? ?
I just wondered if anyone else has had a LO who so abruptly and cruelly cut contact and how it affected them.

By: Candace

Candace — Mon, 04 Oct 2021 16:46:58 +0000

Wow, light bulb moment reading this, as it seems to have played a part in my current and past (10+ years ago) LOs. My current LO started as my mentor, and I was a mentor to my previous LO. There are more factors at play, and as a manager, I mentor people all the time to one extent or another without becoming limerent for them. Thanks to this post, though, I was able to connect the dots. Hopefully, I can remember what situations to avoid in the future in order to avoid such misery again.

I’ve spent time trying to figure out why I’d fall for two men, many years apart, who are so totally different from each other, and for that matter, different from my husband as well. Now I feel like I have my answer. Thank you!

By: Marcia

Marcia — Thu, 30 Sep 2021 20:15:13 +0000

In reply to L..

L,
“The kick: that slightly inappropriate yet possibly romantic yet vague comment your mentor whispers to your ear as goodbye.”
How did you respond?

By: L.

L. — Thu, 30 Sep 2021 18:56:45 +0000

…then your mentor leaves for another job and you’re left brokenhearted, exposed to all the resentment of colleagues who saw you get favored for years, and unmotivated at work without any LO to impress.

Or so I heard ;).

The kick: that slightly inappropriate yet possibly romantic yet vague comment your mentor whispers to your ear as goodbye. That alone could revive any dormant limerence. Am right there 🙁

By: Natalie

Natalie — Thu, 19 Aug 2021 20:01:29 +0000

Dr L,
I think you should next post about how limerence changes our perception. Would be helpful for a lot of us.

By: Limerent Emeritus

Limerent Emeritus — Sun, 15 Aug 2021 21:34:55 +0000

In reply to Lotus. Tell her who inspired the redheads, Doc!