Hi David, have you ever thought about contacting her via social media? I don’t think in this day and age it is anything unusual given the severeness of the breakup, although it might obviously be intimidating/embarassing. That said, the coldness of the breakup suggests it might not be someone who would react sympathetically.

I had longer relationships in highschool but breaking up was never like what I experienced. I apprciate know why I feel like this but that relationship still haunts me.

My second love and LO#2 was my college girlfriend of 3 years. We broke up my senior year, which sent me into an intense LE for her. I pursued her for the next 3 years and we almost got back together a few times until she finally made it clear she was not interested. At that point I went NC and it took about a good 10 years for the LE to completely fade. Today I have zero feelings for her.

The “one that got away” that still haunts me a bit, though I would say it’s a fairly low regret, is a girl I had a short, but passionate fling with after college. I spent a summer in another country, met a girl, and we instantly had mutual attraction and strong connection. We danced around the attraction for about 3 weeks and then had about 3 days of complete romantic bliss. That was it. After I left we corresponded quite a bit but I never considered her a real option for a life long partner due to our distance. About 2 years after this I met my SO. Here is where the regret comes in…this girl contacted me about a year into my relationship with SO (before we were engaged) and wanted to come visit me. I told her no and chose my current SO. But I have questioned that decision for 25 years now. I reconnected with this woman on FB some years back and we talked over FB some. I would not say I am over her, and still think of her and our time together fondly. I don’t think of her as an LO because nothing about her caused me much distress. But I think I could have married her just as easy as the time. She was so beautiful and I loved her a great deal. Still have feelings for her.

What gets me the most about current LO and what sent me into my LE with current LO is the vibe of attraction between us is remarkably similar to how it was with that woman. I think part of my LE is wrapped up in what I said no to 25 years ago and the what if of that.

Daryl: correction: my LO is in another continent…

Dear Daryl,

You’re not the only one on this predicament . I m much older than you, and am still ruminating about the love of my life, with whom I broke off fifty one years ago this year. A looong time ago! Twenty months ago I had a dream of him (LO) and limerence got me stung for quite an awful ride. Like you, I thought life was meaningless for me in spite of having a good SO, children and grandchildren. It’s amazing how these close relationships have no bearing in your emotions and feelings for them. The world loses it brightness if LO is not going to be part of it. It’s a regret that overtakes your entire world, and every reasoning has no meaning. One starts evaluating every single detail of one’s entire life! It’s incredible! One cannot describe these feelings of awareness…and what have you done to your life. Absolutely distressing.

I can only say to you to be strong for your children, they need you, I’m sure you’ll get over the first wave of this terrible situation. It took
me ten months of not being able to control my thoughts of LO. He was everywhere and in every thing. It was a three year exclusive relationship, vey lovely, we shared a lot. And it’s very hard to forget, for I love him still. LO is married and so I am. There’s no hope to ever see one another again. He is in ann content. After the ten month of great ordeal, I automatically regained some of my executive brain back and everything slowed down quite a bit. But the regret and sorrow is definitely there and I have learned to live with it. Some days are good others very bad. Acceptance is my mantra.

I suggest you take walks or some kind of excersise program to distract you, also a spiritual journey. ( Going to church and fellowship helps quite a bit) .

We’re here to help you discharge your burdens and sorrows. To share and make you feel comfortable with yourself and the community.

Courage and stay strong. Best wishes.

@Daryl

You’re in good company with a lot of us mid-lifers here. I would hope you choose not to end your life over a breakup 3 decades ago. Although I suppose I can understand why you feel like everything is for nothing. Like even with what good you have acquired and all you have made is just a waste. I struggle sometimes with suicidal ideation myself, but I’ve messed my family up enough with my bad choices over the years. I really don’t want to add to their hurts.

I am a 52 yo mid-lifer myself have an LO that is 28 and she swings my moods from complete ecstatic joy, to incredibly depressive lows. The crazy thing is I don’t even really know her, other than just being a Co-Worker.

I recommend you perhaps find someone to talk to about your issue. Many limerents here are in some sort of counseling. I also have Priest I talk to about once a month. Having an outlet sounds to me like something you need right now.

Keep us posted with your progress. We will try to help here as best we can, without judgement.

I come to the realization many months after I went no contact that ex-LO (hopefully I can maintain that status) was in a lot of ways like my first love as well. From her looks, frame, hair, personality, voice, smile, etc was very very much like my first love.

And like ex-LO my relationship with my first love started out platonic. So there were huge similarities between the two women that subconsciously I was drawn to ex-LO. But in the middle of limerence I couldn’t realize that. And I think that’s what started the limerence. That was almost 30 years ago that I last saw my first love. She never saw us as more than friends after my actively perusing her. Got my heart broke. Drank lots of gin while listening to Air Supply. I guess I am still apparently drawn to the same kind of women.

I think women will be the death of me long before alcohol. :-/

I’m going through this now. I’m 53 and been always living with the regret of breaking up with a girl 30 years ago, but in the last week it has hit me like a SLEDGEHAMMER to the guts. I’m really, really struggling. Whereas previously it was a dull shadow I could mostly ignore, now suddenly nothing has meaning outside the idea of that lost past, despite my best effort to rationalize my way out of it. NOt really sure what’s going on but I’m honestly losing the will to live. If my parents weren’t still alive I think I’d honestly be hard-pressed not to end it all, despite my wife and kids. It all feels like a lie and worse than second best.

I think its pretty much like the article stated. If you are the course of the end of the relationship and realize later what a horrible mistake you have made and that you ruined your first love, that can be very painful in the long term.
You have only yourself to blame for the Joy and love you have lost.

Well it’s true for me and the article pretty much hit it on the head.
I ruined my first love, got dumped for someone else a few months later and 2 decades later this still haunts me a couple of Times a year.
Tell your Kids that they will never forget their first love and treat them well, I wish someone had told me this.