Comments on: Purposeful living for single limerents

By: Freda

Freda — Tue, 27 Sep 2022 21:20:56 +0000

Limerence has ruined my life – now 47 and single and perimenopausal and limerent for third time with a younger man which I stupidly stayed friends with after an intimate encounter with him that didn’t continue in intimacy at all- he continued having other girlfriends and staying friends with me – and i have been in denial about my limerence for him and having that hopeful hunger for reciprocation which never happens. Im hanging onto every text and call we make and have lo mg conversations which I have a feeling I’m just an ego boost for him to speak to when he wants and no plans to meet much – and not get invited to anything he does: The painful shame of it;
– looking back I was first limerent in an intense way at university- for someone I did get together with and eventually married – wasn’t until about 4 years into the relationship that my feelings normalised ( suffered anxious attachment and got depressed for first few years with anxiety and depression and low self esteem being with him) and then had a good relationship. It wasn’t until I got attracted to someone outside my marriage 14 years later, a younger man who was part of our friendship circle: he was attracted to me too and my attraction was really strong – overwhelmingly so had emotional and bit of a physical affair- for about a year it didn’t last long. He strayed away and got a girlfriend and I was left devastated and limerent and not sure what hit me: I lost feelings for my marriage I was 34 by this point and lost the feeling for him and the whole life I was in. I totally lost the feeling of wanting kids with my husband and had really strong urge to have them with my then LO. I tried to carry on my marriage and going to therapy, but all felt broken. I got pregnant with my husband and I had so much distress in me and couldn’t go ahead with it ( I felt like death was inside me) I had the baby aborted. From this time the marriage completely ended. From feeling like my husband was my best friend who I was with for 15 years now not having seen or spoken to him for 10 years now. So after spending so long to normalise with my husband – losing the marriage after a catalyst of a LO and several years after that another LO. I feel so utterly alone, confused, lost all those fertile years single / limerent trying to find out who I am etc and wonder if I will ever know what real love is. It has been torture – to see my friends in conscious happy relationships and have families. I noticed with all of them – I became strongly limerent after intimacy and not at the attraction stage. It was only with my husband the linerence went away as it turned into a long term relationship ( after a lot of suffering of anxious attachment). If I’m intimate and it doesn’t continue into a relationship- that’s when it went on for 3 or more years each time.

By: DMC_Chicago

DMC_Chicago — Wed, 21 Sep 2022 20:01:01 +0000

As a recently divorced Limerent, I’m both relating to a lot of this and struggling with it. I’m trying my best right now to detach from an LO who in many ways has been great for me — she’s inspired me to get better at my work and earn a promotion, she makes me feel more attractive, she encourages me to broaden my social circles and re-engage in hobbies I’ve neglected. We’re never going to be in a real romantic relationship, and that’s painful for me, but she’s been a really positive presence in my life and I think the world of her. She helped me get over the first LTR (which lasted about a year) since my marriage broke up.

But, she also has a live-in boyfriend and I just can’t be her back-up guy. We work together, so I can’t just cut her off, but I told her yesterday that I’ve developed really strong feelings for her, it’s not her fault for it happening, but I’m going to have to dial our connections back purely to work issues. She’s been wonderful about it so far, and yesterday felt kind of euphoric, but that’s because I was in contact with her so much. Today is really day one and it’s painful. And worst of all, I feel demotivated in my work — she’s like a muse to me there. Life seems to exist in muted colors now and I’m joylessly swiping dating apps to remind myself that I’m still an appealing person, but the matches just seem hollow compared to her.

By: polosk

polosk — Tue, 31 May 2022 09:05:43 +0000

In reply to Jules. Yeah you can experience real love, with someone who you are limerent for. It just takes time and closeness. Hell you can experience real love for anyone if you take time and have permission from the other person to get close enough. Of course if your limerence avatar is just people who are dodgy, then yeah probably shouldn't pursue it, unless you want to get hurt, by their tomfoolery. But if your limerence avatar is pretty decent, then it doesn't hurt too much to pursue it. Just know that you will probably want them a lot more than they want you, if they want you at all.

By: Jules

Jules — Mon, 30 May 2022 21:07:21 +0000

Hi, a question about the limerence avatar here. Is the limerence avatar someone we can never experience REAL love with? Should they be kept at bay as much as possible. Is there a good chance that a real match will be very different from the usual stuff we go for?
I am asking because I have never had a successful relationship with LOs and they’ve always been the same type, not unhealthy people but . My two real love relationships were very different and kind of crept up on me without any of the limerence symptoms, felt more realistic, safe and grounded.
For the past two years I have been discarding every man I was interested in as a LO. I think I have come to fear the Limerence state way more than the LO’s. It’s just such hell. Years ago, it was pleasant in the infatuation period and then hell, now it’s hell pretty much straight away … Thanks!

By: Marcia

Marcia — Sun, 05 Sep 2021 15:40:32 +0000

In reply to Marcia. Sammy, “Yes, just get into a relationship with them. ” Ouch! " That could have been my particular LO (the one who became a boyfriend). He became a stage-5 clinger overnight. :) That cleared the limerence right up. :)

By: Sammy

Sammy — Sun, 05 Sep 2021 07:42:59 +0000

In reply to Marcia. @Marcia. "Yes, just get into a relationship with them. " Ouch! :P "I was just feeling the feels, as they say." Same here. "Your love language is gifts." Guilty as charged. :)

By: Marcia

Marcia — Sun, 05 Sep 2021 06:17:54 +0000

In reply to Marcia.

Sammy,
“Are we ever completely free of an LO who succeeded in capturing our imaginations?”
Yes, just get into a relationship with them. 🙂 In all seriousness, yes, I think it is entirely possible to get completely over an LO. I am over all of my previous LOs except the last one, and I’m a big part of the way there.
“I didn’t think I needed to recover from anything. I thought I just needed to trade in the wrong LO for the right LO and life would be peaches!! ”
Is there a “right” LO? Did you want your LOs to be long-term partners? I wasn’t paying any attention to long-term potential in the height of limerence. I was just feeling the feels, as they say.
“If a man wants to inspire limerence in me, all he has to do is buy me presents. I’m ridiculously easy to manipulate! Haha!”
No. Your love language is gifts. Nothing wrong with that.

By: Sammy

Sammy — Sun, 05 Sep 2021 05:27:20 +0000

In reply to Marcia. "You have written a lot about your high school LO and subsequent LOs. Are you currently LO-free? " Ooh. now that's a loaded question, isn't it? Are we ever completely free of an LO who succeeded in capturing our imaginations? I would say that I'm the freest I have ever been in my adult life, although I might not be as free as someone who has never experienced limerence... I'm actually shocked at how helpful this site has been. I didn't think I needed to recover from anything. I thought I just needed to trade in the wrong LO for the right LO and life would be peaches!! :P I think I have recovered from my high school limerence/s, though, and talking about them has certainly helped. For me, a really important measure of recovery was when my negative emotions e.g. anger, resentment, jealousy, started mysteriously dissolving one day. Jealousy has never really been part of my conscious self-image. But apparently I do have a strong jealous streak, and limerence disturbingly brought out that side of my temperament. Also, when I cease arguing with LOs inside my head about who's in the right and who's in the wrong - I think that's another important sign of recovery. Although some part of me often wants to reopen old arguments. I have to remind myself that intellectual "triumph" over an absent/indifferent LO is a massive waste of time! Why am I arguing in my head with somebody who doesn't even care? :P Humorous aside: I've worked out how straight boy tricked me into limerence. He brought me presents - lots and lots of presents. Yes, apparently, I really am that shallow. I'm a sucker for presents. If a man wants to inspire limerence in me, all he has to do is buy me presents. I'm ridiculously easy to manipulate! Haha! :)

By: Marcia

Marcia — Sun, 05 Sep 2021 02:11:10 +0000

In reply to Marcia.

Sammy,
“It just occurred to me you must be pretty deep in withdrawal by now.”
That is sweet. I am fine. Sometimes I think a lot about LO. Other times it doesn’t bother me at all. I just made some friends in my apartment complex and for the first time have a sense of community since moving about 1 1/2 years ago. (The pandemic hit just as I moved and started a new job so I haven’t met most of my co-workers. They sent us all home.) Being around other people and listening to their stories really does help to get me out of my head.
You have written a lot about your high school LO and subsequent LOs. Are you currently LO-free? 🙂

By: Sammy

Sammy — Sun, 05 Sep 2021 00:19:39 +0000

In reply to Marcia.

@Marcia.

It just occurred to me you must be pretty deep in withdrawal by now. And I know how difficult withdrawal pains can be. So I’d just like to give you a shout-out for being so brave. Your voice on the blog always sound so confident and articulate, so it’s easy to forget you must be struggling at times too…

I think you’re quite marvellous. Hang in there, huh? 😛