Allie,
“The defense mechanism is an interesting idea. … A mental relationship was satisfying at a deeper level, and far safer than exposing my vulnerability to anyone.”
That is what I was thinking. Or why was the idea of someone who was maybe half-interested or not interested enough to do anything about it appealing to me? Because in real life I don’t find men who are indecisive or flim flammy particularly sexy. And yet that describes my last LO.
Or limerence is an escape hatch. I’ve noticed that I have met my LOs at school when I was attending for lack of knowing what else to do or at jobs I had little interest in. I wasn’t happy with certain aspects of my life … and boom! … an LO appeared.

Oh yes it is definitely has flavours of ridiculous insanity about it!
The defence mechanism is an interesting idea.
I think back to how my limerent tendencies formed in my tween years. I was very emotional and sensitive, and thus shy and emotionally guarded as a result. I was a bit afraid of real boys and not strongly attracted to any because they seemed shallow to me. I think that is when my limerent tendencies were born. A mental relationship was satisfying at a deeper level, and far safer than exposing my vulnerability to anyone.

And to add to that … there have to be people who are there, who could be present, who could prove to be at least somewhat as interesting as the LO? I’m wondering limerence is some kind of elaborate defense mechanism … it keeps the limerent from truly living.

Allie,
But don’t you think that not being able to get over someone is ultimately kind of ridiculous? I’m not saying one can will oneself to feel a certain way, but I think of it as … John Lennon had a lost weekend. I had “lost years” with limerence … and for what? He’s long gone. I’m not affecting him. It’s like you’re living, detached from what’s really going on in your life, with someone who’s not even there.

“we just love other people who for whatever reason we just can’t over”
Yup that sounds exactly like every limerent ever, regardless of marital status 🙂
I guess, being single, your recovery motivations are different to partnered limerents. Although, I’m not convinced that is universally true either… it should be, but I don’t think it is. Personally, language like “moral fibre”, “moral compass”, “paragon” and “virtuous” do absolutely nothing to motivate me either, I just feel like an atheist listening to a sermon 🙂 But if I strip that out of the above, the advice is gold, and I would think most of it applies equally to partnered and single limerents doesn’t it? i.e. self-discipline, habit change, practice, self compassion, incremental improvement.

One way to make it much more real to her and your daughter is to move into a separate room/area and lock the door – which I think you may have done.

The other is to tell your wife and daughter, at the same time, that you no longer wish to be married to your wife. Be prepared to answer any questions your daughter may have and to reassure her that you are still committed to her well-being and no, there is no one else in the picture. That this has been on your mind for a long time and your mind is made up.

Your daughter may even find this a relief. It’s unlikely that she thought the two of you were particularly happy together and she may even have been feeling guilty that the only reason for not ending it was “for her”.

Hold firm.

Funny I didn’t think you could categorize limerence into single or married.

I am right there with you Anxious_Soul!
I have bounced from LE to LE over the years, but always as a single person for a single LO….who always wants to be my best friend….that gives lots of mixed signals, but in the end, never chooses me as a mate. (Probably for the best actually in hindsight, but still….)

Re: perfection:

Q: What’s the difference between a good paint job and a great paint
job?

A: About 10 feet.