Now I know why it happens, how it happens and learning to find purpose. Great article. And to know that other people get this and see yourself in so many stories.

Somewhere on the site I read about personality types so went off to discover my own and that has amazed me too.

Just shows there’s always hope for a better future even in my sixties.

This site is a truly wonderful gift for people like us and I will never be able to thank you enough.

LE,
Women, as a general rule, are more concerned with emotional cheating; men, as a general rule, are more concerned with physical cheating. I’m kind of baffled by that, given that, as third general rule (and I’m making sweeping statements here) men are better at separating sex and emotion. So they know how meaningless some sex can be. Some of it is as memorable as a take-out pizza. (I read that somewhere. I thought it was pretty accurate.) Much more threatening, imo, is if someone has parked him or herself in your partner’s psyche. Who care is they’ve so much as touched hands. The meaningless sex is something you get over in a week. But limerence or even an intense infatuation/crush is something different altogether.

Marcia,

“Idk. I think the first question a lot of women would ask their husbands if they found out he had an affair is, “Are you in love with her?” Now, that’s if they actually had the affair, but I think the feelings part of it is much more threatening to a women in that they are aware how meaningless some sex can be.”

When I decided to disclose my LE/EA to my wife 3.5 years after LO #4 and I said goodbye, it might not have been the first question my wife asked, but it was no more than second or third. That was one of the most uncomfortable conversations I’ve ever had with my wife in our entire marriage.

At the time, my wife suspected LO #4 and I might have had more going than simple online acquaintance over a mutual interest. I thought I’d been keeping myself together pretty well but I was leaking enough for my wife to know something was up. She asked, “Is LO #4 after you?” Thank God, she didn’t ask it the other way around. I was able to honestly say, “I don’t think so.” It was true, I can’t speak for LO #4 and she never offered me a thing. But, it helped me realize how much danger I was in. Things were really close to collapsing and that would have happened spectacularly.

When I met with the EAP counselor after LO #4 told me her relationship collapsed, one of the questions that she asked was if my wife knew about it. I told the EAP counselor that my wife knew about the online acquaintance but not its depth. The EAP counselor said, “So, you’re hiding this relationship from your wife?” I fell back on, “We’ve never met and we’ve never even spoken directly. We’re not in a relationship.” The EAP counselor smiled and replied, “Oh, yes, you are.” LO #4 brought up hiding our correspondence from my wife in her goodbye.

Apparently, my strategy wasn’t as solid as I’d hoped. But, it was the best one I had.

When my wife asked the question, I once again fell back on my standard defense. I told her I don’t think I could love someone I never met. Bill Clinton would have admired my waffling. My wife has lived with me long enough to know the difference between a response and an answer and she wanted an answer so she asked again, “But, did you love her?”

I couldn’t muster a direct “No.” The best I could do was, “I don’t think so.”

I’m finding not thinking about my LO more difficult than not seeing him! The Buddhist monk thing is good. No point beating ourselves up about it. Mindfulness is good!

Lol, that was meant to say avoiding him in person, not prison!

Various,
“Supposedly only about 5% of the population are limerence. ”
I wasn’t necessarily talking about limerence but Shady Shaderton. You were talking about attention. I used to be very flirtatious, and things can go from friendly/jokey to “Can I have a hug,” strong, sexual innuendo, heavy flirting with a lot of married men pretty quickly. What I’m saying is that they didn’t need to be limerent for me to soak up that attention. Were all of them going to cheat? Idk. I did get propositioned by some, yes. Many of my single girlfriends have been proportioned by married men. I look at all of this very differently now. I’m not sure why I didn’t see it before, but it’s pretty hollow attention and, frankly, kind of a waste of time.
“From what I’ve heard, many people would rather their spouses be unfaithful physically than if they developed a strong emotional and romantic connection with someone else.”
Idk. I think the first question a lot of women would ask their husbands if they found out he had an affair is, “Are you in love with her?” Now, that’s if they actually had the affair, but I think the feelings part of it is much more threatening to a women in that they are aware how meaningless some sex can be.

I like your interpretation VL 🙂
I think the closer interpretation would be the first arrow might be LO2 talking about her exploits with other men. Which hurts because you really like her. The second arrow is the subsequent ruminating about every detail from every angle, thinking this means she doesn’t like you, feeling like you are not good enough in some way, maybe also castigating yourself for having all these thoughts and feelings i.e. the downward thought spiral that often follows the first arrow.
It is possible to learn to nip that downward thought spiral in the bud by seeing it immediately and consciously changing your inner dialogue to be kind, supportive and realistic / more optimistic.
It all sounds easy doesn’t it, but it takes the average Buddhist months or years of daily practice, regular reading, pod casts etc to develop that skill. You can’t just read a book and do it sadly.

Very profound. Maybe LO #2 is my second arrow? I discussed the difference between LO #1 and LO #2 above, but part of the difference might be that I was better equipped to handle limerence once it hit a second time within a year. Sorry to make this about me, but I think your analogy fits perfectly to my situation as well as yours.

It is important to remember one thing, Marcia: Limerence is relatively rare. Supposedly only about 5% of the population are limerents. So, I don’t think limerence should deter you from marriage, unless you are worried about yourself as opposed to a potential spouse or partner. From what I’ve heard, many people would rather their spouses be unfaithful physically than if they developed a strong emotional and romantic connection with someone else. I can understand that sentiment, but I have heard the stories of many people who are in happy, healthy, stable relationships and they are able to overcome limerence and recognize that their LO doesn’t measure up to their SO. I wouldn’t let limerence deter you from finding love. There is a possibility you would never experience it again if you were in a healthy and happy long-term relationship.