There was an inflection point, after I had come to depend on him emotionally, where I could suddenly do nothing right in his eyes. Every conversation seemed to include some sort of criticism, some hint at contempt, and when I reacted…admittedly disproportionately, I was told I needed therapy and dressed down psychologically. He knew so much about me at that point that he was armed to the teeth with the tools to do this. Initially I thought having a man ask me such personal questions about my feelings or my childhood was a precursor to some extraordinary connection like I had never experienced before.

To this day I still wonder where my perception ends and the truth begins. I know I had grown to value this man’s opinion too highly but I also have tomes of chat logs where most of this took place. In retrospect I would have never have given a “friend” who spoke to me that way a particle of thought under other circumstances.

Sometimes I even fool myself into thinking that he felt the same, and that this devaluing period was his own defense against his feelings for me. I also consider that he knew, maybe not fully, how I felt and enjoyed eliciting the reactions he did. Hurting me made him feel powerful. Many of his criticisms were directed at my desirability specifically. Like when he smoked a pack of cigarettes I kept casually in a drawer over drinks and then 3 days later told me “women who smoke aren’t marriage material”

Either way, reading this was a comfort to me and spurred an important insight. I’ve had 3 undeniable LEs in my life, and maybe two short lived ones. The LOs were different types with different stories, but they all vacillated greatly in their treatment of me. Each was able to provoke tremendous highs and lows without a second thought, either intentionally or because they were experiencing splitting internally, and I was merely collateral. My mother was personality disordered and bipolar (diagnosed) so this is what my childhood up until the age of about 6 was like.

I reconnected with this LO years after I went NC, when he was married and started a family knowing that more clear boundaries existed. Oddly enough, the romantic fantasies never came back, but those highs and lows did. We went through the same approximate cycle only this time the devaluation happened behind my back rather than to me directly. And part of me still craves that admiration I thought I was receiving in the beginning. It needn’t be romantic. If he would give me a pat on the head over anything it would make my month.

“On the sub, we would screw with peoples’ heads for sport.”

No offense, but this article and your comment kind of made the ground beneath my feet shook. What’s the purpose for gaslighting?

J79 – I feel the same, he pretend nothing romantic was between us.

This comment is gaslighting!
I experience the same; my LO tried to deny his behaviour like nothing happened between us. Thank god I documented the things he said , that he attracted to me physically and emotionally, that he wants us to be together, and the way he looked at me, the way he held my hand, the way he hugged me and breath me.

“During the whole time, it really shocked me how pure, straightforward and almost child-like innocent my feelings were and how shallow, flirtatious and uneven the reaction was to them. And, how long I convinced myself to put up with so little.”
Exactly the same!

You bring up a good point here. Ignorance of the law isn’t the only relevant concept though. The law generally recognizes the need for two elements in order to amount to criminal conduct: (1) actus reus; and (2) mens rea. This means there usually has to be action and intent in order to amount to a crime (“intent” can also include negligence, recklessness or carelessness). If there is no “mens rea” (“guilty mind”) is it gaslighting? The effect probably is gaslighting even if the person wasn’t consciously guilty of gaslighting, but I think that’s where there needs to be a distinction. In my opinion, the person can be a victim of gaslighting even if the person doing the gaslighting wasn’t deliberately trying to gaslight the person in question and was therefore lacking in any fault or blame.

Your question here raises the time-old conflict between motive and behaviour. By which criteria are we to judge ourselves and others? Can a person be guilty of a crime or a sin, for example, if there was no intention to commit a crime or a sin?

Some people would argue that ignorance of the law is no defence for wrongdoing. Actions are all that matter; intent is irrelevant. This is an extreme position and the world would be a harsh place indeed if we were punished for every accidental transgression…

This is a concept I have never considered. Due to the patterns of my ex-partner’s malevolent behavior I do believe there is intent to punish or make life difficult for my sons and I. However, I do also think that he firmly believes his version of reality and that he is a victim. Since he is completely lacking in empathy and therefore remorse or moral conscience, it’s hard to know whether there really was intent behind his malicious behaviours which have been pointed out to me are criminal.

Much of what you are describing sounds like the man/child has narcissistic traits, NPD or possibly another cluster B personality disorder. Take it from me, if this is the case, you need to let go. It’s been over a year since I ended a similar relationship and my sons and I still struggle. Quora and You Tube helped me understand Trauma Bonding immensely but it is still a struggle because he still has control of us psychlogically through bread crumbing and financial/economic abuse which has been completely debilitating. Worse experience of my life hands down… but I know my sons and me will survive.

This is triangulation as well.