“Enjoy the positive exchanges for what they are, even an ego boost, but true contentment lies in a purpose driven life.”
It’s the truth. It’s when we are rudderless or seeking something, even when we are not sure of what it is, that we fall into limerence.
That’s what happened to me, at least.
I felt as if I had no purpose after I found myself in an empty nest. I have a great career and friends and family, but the children out really left me with no purpose, I felt.
The end of my marriage threw me into depression and then here comes LO. With enough of a glimmer to make things even worse.
Our mind’s amazing ability to elevate our LOs into something special is well…amazing!
The dopamine hit is powerful.
I’ve understood for almost 5 months now why my brain was acting the way it did. Still, I crave it. I crave LO.
He is a toxic person. Selfish, and with many issues. And yet, there’s a part of my brain that hopes that someday I will be in touch with him again. Indeed, long before I knew about limerence, I separated myself from him. Some part of me knew that being near him was unhealthy.
I threw myself into dating. I’ve dated some pretty awesome men. I’ve had some pretty amazing sex. Still, LO is in my mind.
I hope, as some of you have said, that limerence will fade and that I will be content with finding a partner who works for me.
I have had one LO. Maybe a tendency for limerence has always been there but I pushed it away and focused on other things? I’ve wondered that a lot lately.

Ie. the stranger who exchange smiles with on the bus each morning, the work colleague who takes lunch at the same time or the parent you cross paths with by the school gates each morning.

Proximity is big one. For example, it’s hard to keep bumping into someone on an online dating app, an evening speed dating or a night out. It’s attraction that sounds no alarm but builds over time.

Regular proximity leads to familiarity and when ones interactions with another are often (albeit brief) but exclusively positive, the limerent mind starts to fill in the gaps.

Idealism and rumination set in.

This re occurring stranger becomes a satisfying projection of the ideal partner. An indulgence and escape from the mundane well-worn and predictable life partner.

Barriers and moral integrity should prevent escalation into an affair, just like a lion is safe to approach at a Zoo.

If the thoughts are not converted into actions, consummation is avoided but the tension is routed to the mind, which becomes a battleground with nowhere to vent.

Enjoy the positive exchanges for what they are, even an ego boost, but true contentment lies in a purpose driven life.

This is slowly starting to draw the sting and oh my for years, this has really stung.

Everyone’s journey here is different, but for me, understanding the phycology behind it unveils the mystery and enchantment of what boils down to, unwanted attraction.

Thanks Dr L and all who comment here, you’ve helped me more than you could ever know.

Good advice thank you. I can already feel myself consumed with “why doesn’t he want me, why aren’t I good enough” when I should be grateful it didn’t go further and my life be blown apart. It’s the needy bit of my subconscious like you say that wants to think I’m special to him, when I’m really not.
How do I stop going over and over it? I guess if there was an easy answer to that none of us would be here. X

Bob,
The dopamine is delicious. At the beginning of my LE, I could coast on a 10-minute conversation with my LO for days. But if you want to go through something no one can talk to you about, try going through a depression. Nobody wants to talk about that, even if they acknowledge, once you feeling better, that they knew something was wrong — and they did and said nothing. You are on your own.

it was not the same level of exhilaration with my SO. That was very confusing to me and I misinterpreted that to mean that I was w the wrong person. Thank you for talking about this. It’s so therapeutic to do so. My brain didn’t want to believe that I was better off w my SO. It loved the dopamine too much I now realize

Bob,
Ah. I think most of us limerents know that feeling well — of having no one we can really talk to. And even when you do, people sometimes can be very dismissive. I’m wondering … was there the same level of exhilaration when you first met your wife? Some posters on here have written about being with SOs who they were never limerent for, and then they meet the LO and if it’s reciprocal, that can be problematic.

LE,
“My guess is most women aren’t interested in flirting with married men”
I have seen married guys flirt with just about any woman who will give them some attention, and I just don’t get it. I guess my question is : how much is enough? When I flirted (and I used to be very flirtatious), it did not imply sexual interest. Sometimes, but usually not. And I’ll be honest: I would have given up all that empty attention for one night with my LO. 🙂

It was b/c of who was complimenting me. She was my secret crush and when I realized her feelings for me, that’s what was so exciting and exhilarating. I was probably at a point too where I was bored in life, hitting mid life, and a little depressed. A perfect storm. No excuses tho. These were bad choices. I finally did the right thing and stopped. Also – I didn’t have someone close to me who was another guy to share these things w me. That makes one even more vulnerable. I finally went to a mental health therapist who wasn’t very helpful but just getting this off my chest was

Marcia,

“Maybe I’m getting old, but as a single woman, I have no interest in flirting with married men. If you asked me five years ago, my answer would have been very different…I just look at married or taken men as … kind of dead. I’m sorry.”

Well, I guess I know who won’t be getting a very big sample next festival. For some people, the tap seems to stick open and more comes out. The tap gets really sticky with redheads. I think the iron oxide pigment in their hair somehow causes a magnetic effect on the tap and it’s harder to close. But, I got a “C” in Electromagnetic Field Theory so I may be off on that [that class is where I realized that all “arbitrary units of volume” you integrate thru in textbooks seem to be shaped like kidneys].

Why are you sorry? My guess is most women aren’t interested in flirting with married men. It’s a music festival. My point was people’s behavior can change under the influence.

One woman asked me what I was doing after the festival. I held up my hand and told her I’d have to ask my wife. She blushed so hard, I could feel the heat across the bar. She apologized. I told her there was nothing to apologize for and if I wasn’t married, I’d have taken her up on it.

Hi Alice,

You’ve had some great advice already, but I’ll add a slightly more cautionary note: try to use this experience as a chance to improve yourself. Your husband is being very patient and understanding, and that is an opportunity to live up to the trust he is placing in you.

There is a danger that the same needy corner of your subconscious that pushed you to kiss your LO will take his patience as licence for you to go further. Your conscience is driving the guilt, your limerence is driving the memories of the kiss. It’s the voice of your conscience that has your best interests in mind.

The problem of continuing to indulge your limerent desires is the risk of more “moments of madness”. Your husband may continue to forgive you through those, but he will also (quite rightly) lose respect for you. That’s a lot harder to come back from.

This is a crux point. Definitely lay off the booze as LE suggests, but also lay off the limerence liquor too. Forgive yourself your weakness, but aspire to be better. Therapy should hopefully help with that kind of personal transformation. Hope it goes well!