Damn the LOs!

Full speed ahead!

LO #2 MIGHT have an important place in my life long-term, and great if she does, but I suspect not. As much as I like her, I am totally open to other women when my marriage finally ends. I think that if and when I am finally single and can date, I won’t get nearly as hung up on one woman. I keep on reminding myself of the really attractive woman who was interested in me over the summer until she found out I’m married (she came from across the room to ask me up to dance and admitted she was nervous approaching me because my friend and I were sitting chatting with two other women; she was angry when she found out I’m married). Honestly, she was hotter than either LO #1 or LO #2. Thankfully I never became limerent for her though. Food for thought for sure!

Two of the most important lessons you learn in life are:

1. You can’t always get what you want as much as you think you want it.

2. Not everyone who comes into your life is meant to stay there as much as you think you want them to.

Most of us learn the first lesson as kids but, as we mature, we learn to apply it in different contexts.

The second is somewhat a corollary of the first. Not everyone has to learn that one but my guess is most of us do at some point in our lives. Often, more than once. And, the second lesson always seems to be painful to learn. At least, all my experiences have been.

I know LO #4 has no place in my life and I’m having trouble crafting a scenario that does. It’s not going to happen. But, she’s still in my head. Maybe that’s the way I’m wired. I don’t let many women inside my head but once one makes it in there, i.e., I attach to them, I can’t seem to get rid of them.

It can be a real bitch sometimes.

Vicarous
“The fantasy is a bad girl with lots of tattoos, preferably quite curvaceous and a fair bit younger than me. ”
I don’t get the younger thing. As I’ve aged, the men I find appealing have aged with me.
But I do know what you mean about dating someone “inappropriate.” The last guy I dated … I wouldn’t call him a “bad boy” by any stretch of the imagination but we had very different backgrounds, different education levels. He said things that were completely inappropriate for a work situation. One day he told me his entire sexual history. Usually, I would HATE that. I don’t want to hear about other women with a man I’m interested in. But his stories were funny, kind of raunchy and a little strange … it was one of the best conversation I’d had in a while. 🙂 Cerebral he was not … operated on a gut level.

@ Marcia, yeah you kind of nailed it. The fantasy is a bad girl with lots of tattoos, preferably quite curvaceous and a fair bit younger than me. I am not saying there is anything wrong with tattoos at all. In this day and age, they are so common, and really aren’t a signifier of anything. LO #1 has a couple, and she is a Doris Day type, so no big deal, but I’m talking a full-on hard living rocker/biker chick who is heavily tattooed, wears lots of leather and likes to party and drink a lot. (Such a woman wouldn’t be interested in a straitlaced middle-aged, middle class suburban father like me anyway, but I think we probably all have our fantasies; yet we wouldn’t necessarily settle down into a serious relationship with our fantasy types — NOT that such people are necessarily truly BAD people.)

Vicarious,
“(I know if I ever became single again there is a certain type I would love to have a fling with, but I wouldn’t necessarily settle down with such a woman).”
This got my attention. 🙂 What do you mean? If it’s just that one is young and one is more age-appropriate, you don’t have to answer. But if it’s something like … a woman with the motorcycle/tattoo dudes versus more relationship-appropriate dudes .. tell me more. 🙂

@ Marcia & @ LE, thanks for your input. I can see both of your points. If I made a full-on declaration of love towards LO #2, she either (1) rejects me and tells me she only thinks of me as a friend; (2) tells me she feels the same; or (3) tells me that she might be interested if I was single, but since I’m not it’s all academic. I doubt very much that #2 is the case, and I actually think #1 is the most likely (even if she does feel a spark for me, I think that is what she would say). There are some things pointing to the possibility there are feelings on her end too, but she has made it clear I’m not her type (although she was pretty amorous with a guy who also isn’t her type the other night). There is the possibility she has one type for a fun short-term fling and another for a long-term relationship, but I don’t know (I know if I ever became single again there is a certain type I would love to have a fling with, but I wouldn’t necessarily settle down with such a woman).

I think you’re right that I should just suck it up for now and learn to live with the jealousy. Otherwise I’m going to be helluva lonely without the only friends who actually want to spend time with me these days. I really am serious that I want separation and divorce. I have told my wife this maybe 100 times, and I am steadfast and relentless in telling her that even when we aren’t fighting. She wants to fight for our marriage at all costs, but I do not agree; I want to end it at all costs, but I sometimes feel guilty for wanting to end a marriage that isn’t 100% terrible 100% of the time. I am hoping counselling will let her see not only that she isn’t a good fit for me, but also that I’m not a good fit for her either. Life is too damn short to waste it being miserable.

You are right LE that meeting someone can so often be a catalyst for change. That was the case when I met LO #1 almost two years ago to the day. Meeting her and becoming limerent for her told me that the state of my marriage, family life and many other aspects of my life were simply unacceptable. I am no longer limerent for her, but she keeps on threatening to come back into my life due to some connections I have with her through other people. But she was really just a fantasy because she was a stranger I met in a bar. She never gave me any validation. LO #2 is so much more real because she is an actual friend (a pretty good friend by now) who has given me at least some validation. I don’t want to destroy that friendship, but if my marriage did end, I would risk it for a chance with her. I adore this woman, and she turns my crank like no one I have ever met, even if there are a few things about her that aren’t ideal for me on paper (although she is pretty much the girl I used to dream about back in high school).

LE
“Or, you can continue to live in Limbo. I hear it’s getting its own Zip Code and Area Code.”
It already has its own website. 🙂

VL,

Meeting someone can be quite a catalyst for inspiring change. Meeting my wife was the catalyst I needed to finally pull the plug on LO #2. The relationship was dead but until I met my wife, I was willing to let things drift off into a few years of birthday and Xmas cards until one year, they’d stop coming. After I met my wife, there was absolutely no reason to continue dealing with LO #2. LO #2 was in the way.

Until you’re available, it really doesn’t make much difference what you do as far as your LO goes. If maintaining your social circle is important to you, suck it up and play the game.

When I disclosed to LO #4, she said, “Wow! I had no idea. I’m flattered [something no man wants to hear from a woman] and under different circumstances, I might even be curious [I thought that was ok}. But, circumstances are what they are.” It didn’t take a gypsy to read those tea leaves.

Later, when I said I was detaching, LO #4 sent me the FB friend request. When I panicked and asked that we not be friends, she not only unfriended me, she blocked me. I thought that was bitchy but kind of flattering. If the opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference, LO #4 wasn’t indifferent. I kind of like that, too. In her goodbye, LO #4 said, “I wish you no ill will.” Nice of her…[sarcasm intended]

I came up with an interesting aside while contemplating my recent social media relapse. When I encountered her, LO #4 lived in LA and moved in some pretty interesting circles. When she left he BF, she moved to within 15 miles of where I’d moved from. I could get to her with my eyes closed. I gave her directions to stores. I don’t think I could ever be part of her LA world, but I could definitely see myself in her new world. I’m sure it fed the limerence.

I think she may have move back to LA but I don’t know and it doesn’t matter.

I wasn’t looking for trouble and inadvertently ended up attaching to a woman I never actually met and probably never will. Worse, the woman is like gum on the bottom of my psychic shoe. I don’t want her there and she’s no threat to me but I can’t seem to get her out of my head permanently. It’s almost 6 years since goodbye, she still chews up more than her share of head space periodically. She hasn’t contacted me once since goodbye.

The point is that I was never in the game with LO #4. As long as you’re not in the game, what is she to do?

The purposeful route is to get out of your marriage, declare yourself, and see what happens. The less purposeful route is to try and hedge your bet. Declare yourself first and see how she responds.

But, you have to be prepared to accept the response and act accordingly. If she’s into you, are you prepared to end your marriage? Seriously. If she demurs or shuts you down, are you prepared to handle the rejection and potential loss of your social circle?

Or, you can continue to live in Limbo. I hear it’s getting its own Zip Code and Area Code.

“On the other hand, I wouldn’t tell her I’m obsessed with her and spend most of my days fantasizing about being with her. That would just come across as creepy and inappropriate.”
I never said to say that. But telling her to keep you in the backpocket … That isn’t going to inspire her to throw her arms around you, which is what you say you want. Tell you have feelings for her and you want to be with her. Isn’t that pretty much it?