I‘d say yes, it could be some species of love, especially if the situation is stable now for some years?
If you have a SO of course it’s important that he/she is Nr 1 in your feelings, but if you feel otherwise good and safe and loved/loving in your friendship, then it’s a beautiful thing, no?

The only thing that might happen is that this kind of love could tip over into limerence again in a special situation- like when one of you has some sort of crisis or harder times with your SOs, or another crisis of some sorts (midlife, job), or if you find yourself cooped together on holiday or traveling for work…
In the article above it sounds as if infatuation is only possible because one doesn’t know the weaknesses and faults of the other person. But I can tell you that my last limerence was for my friend of 10 years and I know his weaknesses well enough. They suddenly didn’t seem to matter.

Only you can know if it‘s pure friendship or if there‘s some titillating tension involved, if there are still „untested possibilities“ that hang in the air. In an unlucky situation they could suddenly raise their head, especially because you wrote of „extreme attraction“…

Just be honest with yourself and then just be awake and aware of what’s happening, and it could all go well.

“I love you but I’m not in love with you” is an excuse people use for not loving, or being in-love with someone. It is usually implied when the person phrasing it is ending a relationship.

It is more or less a person saying they don’t want to work at a relationship because they are not excited (in love) nor love the person. Rather, they care for the person.

You can care for your vegetable garden, but that doesn’t mean you love or are excited (in love) with that vegetable garden. If it serves you no purpose anymore, or the veggies become tainted… they are no use.

You can be infatuated (in love) but that doesn’t always lead to genuine love. If you genuine love someone, it means you will do anything for them. You have to genuinely love yourself in order to genuinely love someone else.

“Its just a shame most LOs struggle to give anyone an unambiguous rejection – from my LOs it has been mostly because they don’t want to hurt me.”

That’s a good insight, Allie. Thank you. 🙂

“So yeah. An LO can kill an LE. If they really want to, I think.”

@Thomas @Sammy

I agree with this. For me a clear rejection is like a bucket of icy cold water all over the hope fuelling my limerent fire. I grieve deeply for a few weeks and my limerence shrinks quickly. All that is usually left is a straightforward non-obsessive fondness if they rejected me clearly but nicely. Its just a shame most LOs struggle to give anyone an unambiguous rejection – from my LOs it has been mostly because they don’t want to hurt me.

And then, of course, I had to punch myself in the face

😀

Bad limerent brain! *SMACK*

Sammy,
” May I declare myself a big fan of “bossy-sounding Marcia” as well as every other incarnation of Marcia? Have enjoyed your recent commentary greatly.”
That is very sweet. Thank you. You have no idea how long and how many attempts it’s taken to get here. Recently, I heard of an opening at my former company, where LO is. And yes, even now, there was a minute or two of exhilaration … I could go back … I should go back …. I’ll apply for that job … And then, of course, I had to punch myself in the face. 🙂 Because to go back, to quote the great Tennessee Williams, is to return to the Tarantula Arms!

“So yeah. An LO can kill an LE. If they really want to, I think.”

@Thomas. I’ll say yes and no on this one. 😛

Our limerent brains really don’t want to believe in rejection, even when it’s fairly clear. In other words, an LO who wants to do the right thing might have to tell us “no” more than once. It’s not easy repeatedly setting boundaries with someone who is (a) supposed to be a good friend in the first place and (b) possess standard empathy.

An LO in this situation will probably feel they are the limerent’s parent and not the limerent’s peer. The LO might feel that the limerent is the one who is overwhelmingly in the wrong, for breaching the sacred bond of trust that is friendship and introducing an unpleasant element of sexual tension into the mix. The LO may not have knowingly encouraged romantic sentiments and be horrified to discover they are on the receiving end of passion.

If an LO is someone who isn’t naturally assertive and not used to standing up for himself, or if it’s a situation where being assertive is intimidating, such as saying no to an older person, nipping limerence in the bud is even harder to pull off gracefully…

I was limerent at one time for a mild-mannered, slightly younger man. He was straight, or possibly bisexual. He idolised me, told me I was beautiful, blah, blah, blah, but only wanted friendship at the end of the day. His solution to my limerence was to friendzone me. He started referring to me as “chum” and “matey” in letters, when previously he had called me nothing at all. His subtle rejection didn’t work, as my lovesick brain kept misinterpreting his friendly overtures as evidence of reciprocation. This LO also admitted to me he often “beat around the bush” and struggled to be direct with people. He told me that the other males at uni assumed he was gay.

I experienced so much pain every time I interacted with him that eventually I just had to avoid him completely. I embarrassed myself and he lost a good friend. I think he was very fond of me in a purely platonic way. He just didn’t know how to communicate his lack of romantic interest. He wanted the friendship but not the romance.

An LO can kill an LE – but only if the limerent has a certain level of emotional maturity and is ready to listen to reason. 😛

“I just don’t think it matters what an LO said, did, implied, possibly felt, etc. When I think about my LO, the only narrative I now need is that he couldn’t show up in my life in the way I wanted and needed him to. End of story.”

@Marcia. Well, according to what I’ve read, you’re taking the right approach to recovery, which is to stop dwelling on LO in any way, stop analysing behaviour, etc, etc. May I declare myself a big fan of “bossy-sounding Marcia” as well as every other incarnation of Marcia? Have enjoyed your recent commentary greatly. 🙂

Thomas,
“You seem to have a very coldly assertive approach Marcia, which sounds very useful!”
It took me years to get there! 🙂 But I think you have to take that approach. I was reading a comment on the “Four Phases of No Contact” post and a woman had asked her LO to help her go NC. And of course he didn’t want to. He wanted the attention, even though he was pursuing another woman. And Dr. L chimed in: THe LO is not your ally.