In my case, I shared my feelings in person and then ultimately didn’t want a relationship with them because it was largely based in fantasy, not in loving the actual person. It’s a matter of–be careful what you wish for.

My connection to the LO who changed my entire outlook on life was highly emotional, spiritual, and energetically powerful, but every time we tried to have sex, I wasn’t into it. It’s like, he was so elevated that his more human bumbling male body was embarassing to experience and I wasn’t at all sexually attracted. That being said, kissing him was like riding on a cloud over the moon so there were moments of sexual arousal, but the more human act just weirded me out. It made me feel very confused because I thought he was the love of my life so I didn’t know why it was off.

Another big theme of the obsession was constantly “seeing signs” that related to him. I felt like we had this spiritual connection and we were meant for each other.

Initially we spent 3 months together in a situationship without committing to a relationship, and I eventually ended it because I was confused by the lack of sexual attraction and thought it was due to being a lesbian. Well, fast forward, I met another man in a different country and started a relationship with him for 2 years living abroad. As that relationship was falling apart, I got onto social media and started watching Youtube videos (hes a musician) of the guy (original guy, LO) and started to look for signs that he was singing those songs about me. I started to truly believe that he was sending me signals that he was still in love with me and had never truly gotten over me. It got me so high to imagine that I was the one who got away and that he had all this pent up emotion for me and he was writing songs about me (As time wore on, I found out that he in fact had written by him that he had written a few songs about me which made me feel like we were living our lives as country star lovers, reincarnated in this earth-time on some level-and in actually, we had played music together in the first 3 months).

I reached out to him after Facebook stalking him and we started talking again. I eventually moved back to my hometown where he lived, having spent 3 months obsessing over whether I should come back to him, feeling highs when I’d watch his music, and devastating lows at the idea of us not being together.

In reality, he wanted to be with me in a relationship and I would have episodes of feeling like I wanted to come back to him but then the episodes would dwindle and I’d come back to reality and question myself. Finally when I did move back and try to start it up with him for real, I inappropriately got drunk and expressed all my secret feelings for him trying to convince him and me that we should start a relationship (though he was keen to the idea of us being in a relationship, he did have some doubts as to whether I truly wanted it-which were valid). Then we went to the bedroom and once again, it was like the spell was broken and I wasn’t into him in his “human” form, off the pedestal of blissful magical perfect angel man that I had him on.

Well, this led to him feeling hurt by me and ultimately cutting me off, not wanting to continue trying to be in a relationship due to my certainty and then uncertainty and issues with sexual attraction.

It’s honestly the most painful let down because I acted like a total fool and hurt him, someone who I care about and considered a true friend.
What’s hard to understand is that for him, it wasn’t limerance. For me it was. So why couldn’t I just be in a relationship with him like a normal person?? It wasn’t a matter of unrequited love…but it was like, my wiser self didn’t want to be with him…my limerant self did.

But yes, it’s almost like the high of it wasn’t about being in a relationship, it was about him reciprocating his “great love” for me and me reading into all the things he posted on social media and all his songs, trying to find those moments where I was sure that I could read him well enough to know that he was pining for me like I was for him. I felt like we were in a spiritual relationship and that it was ultimate love, higher than most “normal” people could experience. But then when he was willing to try, the sexual issue arose and I felt like I was punched in the face back to the impossibility of it working out…punched back into reality out of my fantasy.

Finding this information about limerance is so helpful but it definitely sucks that it’s come to this point to learn about it along with how my childhood neglect plays a big part in this feeling being perpetuated.

It’s still hard for me to not consider it a great love…because being around him, looking into his eyes, and laughing at his jokes felt like the greatest moments of my entire life, despite, like others said, feeling shy, boxed in, sweaty, and like I couldn’t be my full self. Yet I felt that our energetic connection made me feel super happy and seen and known. But at the same time, I was always scared I wasn’t enough for him because he was too mature and wise for me.

But ultimately it wasn’t him as a human being whole that I loved or wanted to experience life with and my limerant flare ups caused him pain repeatedly. At this point, I feel that he is wise to cut me off because my little inner child would keep doing this over and over again just for a fix.

Thanks for reading, this is extremely cathartic which I need after feeling like the biggest f*ck up after hurting him.

Hi Paul,

“Although sad that it cannot be consummated, it feels so good to honestly and purely love someone.”

This strikes a chord with me and my LO. It’s like I was given a chance to look into love with God’s eyes…even if it was for a short time.

Quote: “And yet it’s enough for me to say, something beautiful
passed my way.”

“Everything good lasts only sufficiently to become unforgettable.”

Best wishes.

Hi Paul,

This is an interesting post. I am sorry you are not in love with your wife of thirty years. Do you still love her though? Do you remain together for other reasons? There were many instances when I didn’t feel/wasn’t in love with my husband (14 years). I am sure he felt the same at times too. Ironically, it was in the beginning of our marriage (first 10 years). Now, after counseling and rekindling our friendship, I feel more love for him than before. It is not the high of limerence or passion, but more of a steady, stable, slow-burning love. And I appreciate it more than any limerence I could have for someone.

Would you and your wife consider trying to find ways to be in love again? I am just curious. I wish you well. And I am glad that you wish your limerent person well also.

Reading your comment made me think of Anohni and the Johnsons’ song “I Fell In Love With a Dead Boy”. Coincidentally, the one who introduced me to this song was a beautiful boy who died too early too. He’s like a little brother to me, and he introduced me to great songs like this while he was working at a record store. All good memories now.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H03VpvUtm6k

Hello Telmara,

Your post begs the question: how does one meet some one five years ago when the person has been dead for 30 years?

Please, never be ashamed. Limerence is your heart seeking the love it never got growing up. Yes, it’s intense and crazy and that love you feel for your LO actually creates the perfect LO in some mysterious unconscious way. I wish you only the best with this.