This might be controversial at this website, but my situation is unusual – and I’m looking for advice on getting past the acute, debilitating intrusive thoughts, into a more manageable state. However, I definitely want to continue to see LO including continuing our sexual relationship. This is something I’ve successfully done before (20 years ago) – but I have no idea how I did it then – and didn’t know limerence was a thing.

In general, I’m a sensible, intelligent, calm, put-together guy with a high level successful career and wonderful family. Unusually, my wife and I participate in alternative lifestyle play both together and separately, but are not polyamorous. It’s just exciting sex stuff – with no real emotions involved other than friendship.

Limerence has happened twice for me – in 2003 and presently. In both cases I met the LO through alternative lifestyle play with them and their partner.

In 2003, having zero knowledge of limerence, I thought I’d found true love. I thought I had been in love before this – and had been married to someone I DO love for several years. But this (what I now realize is limerence) feeling for LO-2003 was dramatically more intense and all consuming. I figured that THIS was love, and that I must not have ever been in love before. It felt like I was on drugs. I had never had another emotional experience that was even close to this – not even grief was this intense. But after several agonizing months almost burning my life down in an attempt to be with LO- it just seemed to go away or at least stop being a distraction from and central focus of my day to day life. I actually managed to keep a friends-with-benefits relationship with LO for four more years (sometimes including her partner and sometimes not) – and some (rare) visits after that. In fact, if she called today, it would be lovely to see her again, and for whatever reason I don’t have any concerns that limerence would return.

But now it’s happened again – with almost identical circumstances. I was invited by current LO’s partner to join them for specific lifestyle play – and I must have subconsciously realized it was a dangerous situation for me immediately. We would have a wonderful time – and then I’d almost ghost them for months while they occasionally reached out (rude and incredibly unusual for me) – it was like I blocked them out and then suddenly remembered they existed, and I’d feel like I wanted to see them again. So meetings and communication were relatively rare – a few times a year. In late 2022 and early 2023 I started to see them more often, and occasionally just me and LO. I knew it was going to be a problem – I even had a sit down with her and explained that basically “I like you too much” so I need be careful, which she graciously understood. But it really was under control: no intrusive thoughts, no longing, no “heartache”, no fantasies, etc. And then I ignored my own gut and allowed the frequency of meetings to increase. In August 2023 the shadow of limerence appeared (intrusive thoughts – everything reminded me of her), but I felt like I had it under control because still none of the other signs. But then in November we connected via Signal (secure messaging app) and that frequent, intimate talk really ignited things for me and full blown limerence was back. (Not sex-intimate talk, but, this-is-what-my-day-was-like-intimacy.)

I’m currently a bit of a wreck. Just knowing it has a name and why it happens I think is helping though. But in a nutshell – how can I get this acute phase of limerence to pass quickly – so I can both get my head and life back to normal – but with the intent of continuing to see LO?

Or a marriage of a few decades even.

Thank you for your comments, I will gather the courage to disclose my feelings to her, your replies and comments make me feel better.

Marcia,

“Whereas with non-LOs, well, sometimes a woman will say yes if the guy does all the work. Keeps calling, etc. That can keep it going a couple of months past its expiration date.”

Or, a couple of years if the guy is a slow learner…

Idk. LOs for me had nothing to do with convenience. In fact, they were vey often inconvenient. Painfully inconvenient. My interest was solely based on .. interest. Or desire. Or attraction, which felt much more pure than other dating relationships. Almost holy in the intensity of interest. Whereas with non-LOs, well, sometimes a woman will say yes if the guy does all the work. Keeps calling, etc. That can keep it going a couple of months past its expiration date.

“Many relationships fall apart because people no longer have the opportunity to be together in the same context, e.g. a school, an office or a neighborhood.”

“He found that both the friends we make and the ones we keep are more likely to be determined by opportunity rather than personal preferences…New friends replaced old ones and only thirty percent of the original friendships remained.”

I totally believe this.

An interesting tangent:

I read an article in the 80s that said that one of the major factors in assessing the early viability of a relationship is convenience. The article said it was also a difficult criterion to overcome. If you had to choose between two suitors, the less convenient one had to be very compelling to win out. But, that’s not surprising, either. Influence is proportional to access and convenience, of anything, is ease of access. The more convenient they are, the easier it is for you to have the opportunity to influence them.

I know convenience was a factor in at least two of my relationships. LO #2 said she didn’t like me at first. But, she was convenient to access so I pursued it. Given her initial lukewarm reception, had she been harder to access, I likely would have given up. Her convenience made the Aggravation in the “Compensation to Aggravation ratio (C/A)” close enough to 1 that is was worth putting some effort into. In other words, convenience kept her from being more trouble than she was worth at that point.

The concepts of access and influence are really interesting. Toss power in the mix and things get even more interesting.

Take the risk. Friends come and go.

“Recent research by Dutch sociologist Gerald Mollenhorst at Utrecht University confirms that the large majority of friendships tend to be fleeting. He found that both the friends we make and the ones we keep are more likely to be determined by opportunity rather than personal preferences. Many relationships fall apart because people no longer have the opportunity to be together in the same context, e.g. a school, an office or a neighborhood.

The sociologist surveyed 1007 men and women between the ages of 18 and 65 years and was able to re-interview 604 of them seven years later. Over that time, the size of an individual’s social network remained strikingly stable (in terms of numbers) but there was a lot of turnover: New friends replaced old ones and only thirty percent of the original friendships remained.”

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/the-seven-year-expiration_b_208468

Julian,

It might affect the friendship and it might not. Are you willing to assume the risk?

Clip of the Day: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FpoyshqB8-o – ” Casablanca”

Just say you know you are friends but your feelings have changed and you’d like to take her on a date. And use the word date to be clear. And throw a day in there. “I’d like to take on a date. Are your free for dinner on Friday?” Picking a day makes it look like you are serious. A man with a plan. I wouldn’t throw in “It’s ok if you don’t feel the same and I’ll understand and we can still be friends ….” right away. Give her a chance to respond. Throwing all that in makes it sound like you are backing out of the room. You very well may surprise her so she may not answer immediately. But I’d only bring it up once. The ball is in her court after that.