*Aging, not *again.

@James, I am also a life long limerent. I have gone back over every relationship I have had and can’t think of one that didn’t start with limerence. I have actually gauged my happiness, many times in my life, on whether or not there was an LE in progress or about to kick off. I balked when I got married, because I knew that would be the death knell for my varied LE’s (I just thought they were love affairs at the time). I thought all of this was over for me simply due to again, then I found a whole world of young men out there who are attracted to older women, and the LEs are continuing in force. They make me feel alive. I end them as often as vice versa. My only question now is whether I really want to change it, or just accept it. I am no longer married, so I am free to do as I wish, I suppose. But I lot of men who pursue me are married, so that’s a problem.

Especially with my current LO (I am approx. 3 weeks into no contact). I recognised that how I would say the “logical, normal, balanced, centred,” version of me was not there at times. It was like it comes and go and that is a very strange experience.

I’ve experienced Limerence for a large portion of my life with multiple LOs starting back in my teenage years. Even with the self awareness I have now, I still feel like I am a different person when I am in that really strong intensified state. I can literally feel that I am not in reality, I recognise my thoughts, behaviours, actions, beliefs etc are very much not who I am or how I usually behave, and its very much this state of cognitive dissonance.

I’m just thankful that after nearly 15 years I’ve finally come across limerence and I now have such a greater understanding of the entire situation and what has been an extremely confusing time in my life and its extremely comforting to know that others have had similar experiences.

I eventually started dressing like my own self, and I’m thinking about changing my hair, too.
(After she left me, I couldn’t enjoy any of my hobbies anymore, so I’m not sure what I like, but I did “wear” her personality traits off.)

So my take away of having experienced this, I feel like I must make sure I never let my brain be put in such a state again where the little voice in my head is completely muted.

Thomas,
If I am reading your message correctly, it sounds like you are putting up the barriers. I was referring to barriers put up by circumstance or the LO him/herself– maybe the LO is married and/or partnered up and is monogamous or is playing hot and cold and, after 1 year of heavy flirting, still hasn’t asked you out. If you have to jump through hoops or are still guessing months into it, it isn’t supposed to happen. Now, if you are both available and one of your breaks off a budding relationship, that is something altogether different. Maybe one of you lost interest.

@Thomas. I like what you say here. I tend to chase unavailable partners and run away from anyone who actually expresses a real interest in me. It’s almost like I don’t want to be in a relationship! 😛

“I’m learning (finally?) That my limerence is often deeply hurtful to those people who believed (as I firmly did) that I was really into them only for me to freak out once they took the emotional risk and offered me genuine intimacy.”

Also, if we’re twisting ourselves into all sorts of shapes to get our LOs to love us, that doesn’t bode well for a relationship even if a relationship is offered. We’re trying to “earn love” I guess?

Sharnhorst,
I experienced the same thing. I mean that in terms of sex, but a big part of it was liking the way they kissed me. Two men set the bar very high. Once in my 20s. Once in my 30s. Havent come close since.

Marcia! So true about the barriers being pretty clear indications that it is not the right dynamic.
During LEs though I’ve always had ‘magical thinking’. Rather than ‘this can’t work’ thinking ‘won’t this be amazing when it does work?’

Then on the couple of occasions where LOs engage I drop like a stone into ‘this is never going to work’. Then it completely spins out of control, I end it (in a panic) only to regret that and quickly fall back into an LE with my LO (and now ex boyfriend) and end up irrationally devastated that having been through the mill with me once they’ve decided that it’s (quite understandably) a no-go. It obviously only happens when LO reciprocates.

In terms of practical outcomes it is no different to game playing on my part. I have only my internal monologue to reassure me I did feel those things… until it was offered at which point the LE fizzled very rapidly.

I’m learning (finally?) That my limerence is often deeply hurtful to those people who believed (as I firmly did) that I was really into them only for me to freak out once they took the emotional risk and offered me genuine intimacy.

That is why I constantly have to remind myself in my current LE that LO is not the villain here. Whatever my private issues, from his perspective my behaviour would have led to anybody sane cutting me off, as he has.

…and the irrational limerent, knowing this STILL would love to try getting back with him… but I know it will never end well. He’s not anywhere near ‘right’ for me. We both know it – I just wish I was sane enough to accept it.

But NC (from his side) is good for him, and despite my irrational grief, good for me too. But I bet he’s not missing me to the insane degree I am missing him right now.

*disclaimer* at times my LO’s behaviour wasn’t great either, I’m not the only villain in the tale!