My best friend and I are crazy about the same guy. He is sexy as hell. But the main thing is – he had a crush on both of us. We desired him … because his desire of us was so seductive. The desire of such a gorgeous guy I am sure meant that our egos and pride were stimulated as well as sexual attraction. It is a very compelling combination.

Definitely progress, Sammy. Disgust at LO can be useful in the short-term for reprogramming purposes – but it’s a really unhealthy way to view other people in the long-term.

Our LOs do have lots of flaws, but… so do we all. Getting to the point where you can be disgusted by the situation but not the person is a sign of moral clarity.

Sammy,
“I felt like I was somebody’s emotional plaything, a toy to be picked up and set aside on a whim. .. ”
I know the feeling well.
“F. Scott Fitzgerald uses the word “careless” to describe the attitudes of the rich people in the book, including Daisy.”
That is perfect. My LO very much reminds me of Daisy. All glittery, shimmery and flirtatious on the outside, but really shallow, narcissistic and insensitive bordering on cruel underneath.
On my last day at the job were I met him, I could hear his voice in the hallway outside my office. (A few days earlier, he had made reference to me coming to his office to say goodbye.) I did not get up to speak to him, and I walked out the door at the end of the day never having seen him that day or saying goodbye. I did that intentionally, partly because I realized it didn’t matter what I did (the whole situation was futile) but also partly to hurt him, as childish and silly as it sounds. Even for a moment, I hope that landed.

“You did nothing wrong. You simply became limerent for someone. It’s the condition everyone on this blog finds themselves in.”

@Marcia. Thank you for your kind words. This particular LE of mine had a devastating effect on my self-esteem. Not that my self-esteem was particularly high to begin with…

One more boring vocabulary lesson from Sammy before I take a little break. I realise that I’ve been posting on this blog so much lately people must think I’m having some kind of mini manic episode. And it’s true – I’m getting heaps and heaps of great ideas at the moment, brain synapses firing away on all cylinders. 😛

The word I’d like to put out there is “cavalier”. LO’s behaviour toward me was cavalier. Cavalier means “showing a lack of proper concern, offhand”.

I know references to The Great Gatsby pop up on this blog from time to time. (I believe Beth was talking about the character Daisy the other day). F. Scott Fitzgerald uses the word “careless” to describe the attitudes of the rich people in the book, including Daisy.

This is how some LOs can seem to treat the people who are limerent for them – carelessly, in a cavalier manner, not showing a proper amount of concern. I felt like I was somebody’s emotional plaything, a toy to be picked up and set aside on a whim.

Sammy,
I don’t think people befriend others because they feel sorry for them or think of them as a charity cases. Several years ago, I was in a meetup group. There was a member who no one liked because she was negative. I didn’t mind her and we got along well and I thought everyone was exaggerating. But after I did something one-on-one with her, I realized they were right. She was really unpleasant to spend time with. I felt compassion for her because I think there may have been some personality issues going on and was pleasant with her if we were in a group, but I had no interest in a close friendship.
You did nothing wrong. You simply became limerent for someone. It’s the condition everyone on this blog finds themselves in.

@Marcia. Just realised something. I don’t feel anger or hatred for this LO. I feel disgust. Isn’t that weird? I don’t feel disgusted by him as a person. (I clearly never really knew him as a person). I feel disgusted by the way he treated me. Oh well, I guess that’s progress of a sort.

@Marcia. I guess we’ll never know for sure. But I don’t think he had any sexual feelings for me. I never got that impression. If he did have sexual feelings for guys, I doubt he’d pick me as a promising partner anyway. Never got any bi-curious vibes. Nope. Nothing.

The hand-holding thing? Oh gosh, I don’t know what that was about. Maybe he pitied me? Maybe he saw me as a charity case, some poor kid he had to babysit? (We were the same age, but I was emotionally immature for my age and looked a lot younger. Maybe my looks inspired sympathy in more emotionally-mature peers?)

Maybe he liked me in the way people like puppy dogs and close family members? Maybe I was his “Christian good deed” for the week? He was very, very Christian. Maybe he was earning brownie points with God by being nice to me? Maybe he was “nonchalantly kind” to everybody and I was wrong to read anything into it?

He was a dreamy sort of chap who didn’t seem to know what was going on half the time, an introvert, popular but not socially-savvy or macho. I sat next to him most of the night at our school formal (prom) too – with the full knowledge and blessing of his date/future wife! That was the night he gave me the hug goodbye that changed everything. (Crystallisation of my limerent feelings?)

At that point in my life, I apparently gave off a very gentle energy and was very charming and good-looking but shy. Girls loved me, but couldn’t get close to me. Maybe LO was responding to me in the way one responds to a frightened child? He sensed my vulnerability? I went to the formal with a very pretty girl who spent the whole night gabbing with her friends. She was super-extroverted. I had a female date; I guess LO assumed I was straight.

Full disclosure: LO put me through something akin to the Christian idea of Hell, obviously. But I’ve never been able to feel anger or hatred toward him. In my mind, he’s still a “being of light”. Only now he’s a “being of light” I don’t really think about anymore. 😛

Don’t know why I can’t feel negative emotions toward him??? I blame myself completely for the LE – I failed to live up to my own moral ideals. I fell from grace. I suppose religion can mess with our heads if we take it too seriously, and confuse it with Eros.

Sammy,
“What drew my LO to me? That’s the real question. He wasn’t gay. ”
Is this the guy who was holding your hand (if I remember correctly from another post)? I don’t know too many young straight guys who are comfortable holding hands with another guy. (I’m speaking about my generation; you are a bit younger than I am.) To me, (and I of course don’t know him), he had some bicuriosity. How much and whether he would have acted on it, I can’t say. But your subconscious was picking up on something, as was his. (Just my guess.)

@James. Autistic people, such as Aspies, can have a distinctive look. They can be quite attractive actually – high forehead, wide-set eyes, highly symmetrical facial features, lots of sex appeal. Male autists can have faces as children that look angelic and turn handsome in adulthood. Female autists can have almost childlike features, very feminine. Some people even think Marilyn Monroe was on the spectrum, and clearly she was very attractive indeed: a sex symbol. Autistic people can also look significantly younger than their actual age.

Aspies of both sexes might have a hard time understanding when someone is interested in them romantically. They struggle to connect with people in their lives. They might misunderstand subtle emotional signals/body language. They might give off mixed signals. None of this odd and frustrating behaviour is malicious in intent, but part and parcel of the developmental disorder.

“Speaking as a gay guy myself I’ve never really had the straight-crush thing except in secondary school where it was born of hormones and frustration.”

@Thomas. Well, this LO/LE of mine started in high school, at a Christian college no less. I was 17 years old and so was my LO. I don’t know if it was about “forbidden fruit” for me. Straight males were pretty much the only “infatuation option” I had at that point in my life. I didn’t know any openly gay people. What drew my LO to me? That’s the real question. He wasn’t gay. Why did he waste his time on someone he had little in common with?