@Marcia. “I’m the same way. I’d just see the top of his head over the work cubicles, and go into paroxysms of joy.”

Don’t worry, my friend. I think we’ve all been there at some point. I think it’s not even interaction with LO that does it, but anticipation of a positive interaction with LO – the anticipation of pleasure.

Actually, I feel really disappointed when the longed-for moment of ecstatic union doesn’t play out in real life exactly as it did in my head. I.e. if LO does something unexpected. In that instant, I’m reminded I’m relating to a real person with free will, and not the caricature in my imagination! A healthy dose of reality no doubt.

@Allie. That is a really good point. Limerence isn’t a relationship at all, but an intense period of (hopefully pleasurable?) fantasy that may precede a relationship, if one gets really lucky.

I agree with Marcia as well – it’s ironic that limerence shakes us to our very core, where a real relationship probably doesn’t, and limerence may lead to a relationship that doesn’t feel earth-shattering in the end.

To me, limerence always felt so real, though – almost more real than real life. And when that happens, I do start to think of myself as being in a committed relationship. (Oh no, I can’t possibly see other people, etc. What would LO think? I belong to LO!). The fantasy becomes so real one forgets one is in a fantasy – or at least that’s what it was like for me. I felt absurdly loyal to my nonchalant LO.

@Glimmerrant. What you write here really touched me, even though I’m not poly. I think the problem with having an LO is that it really ruins us for other potential partners, doesn’t it? I.e. if one is single like me and inclined toward monogamy and cautiously in the market for a serious relationship, having an LO makes it so much harder to appreciate the other horses in the race, in a manner of speaking. It’s an unfair competition! You can’t take your eye off this one special horse, etc, even if he/she is limping home in last place. (Not interested in a relationship).

I can very well imagine this LE would upset whatever emotional equilibrium you’ve established with your current partners, as you’ve already said. Be very wary of reading into things/looking for clues – I think that’s ultimately what traps us as limerents into a painful state of rumination.

It’s really great you can still empathise with your LO, and realise it’s not always fun being used as an emotional crutch by others. (Not that your necessarily doing that to him. But I get the “super-nice guy starts to feel burdened” thing, having unfortunately been the one who was doing the burdening).

P.S. Have just noticed how clever your username is – glimmer plus limerent! Love it!

I know he cares For and likes me. I just doubt. I can’t ask for more compliments or emotional support as he feels it’s hollow when asked for and has some past trauma surrounding people using him as an emotional crutch until it crippled him.

My LE is spiralling and I dread that it’s going to allow me to make a good thing implode.. any advice or relevant articles.. please? 😅

Thanks, Beth. Happy New Year to you too.

Let’s hope 2021 is better for everyone than 2020!

Allie
“Why is it though that even knowing this and believing it fully at least some of the time, all it takes is one kind word or moment of eye contact with LO, and this reality is instantly erased from my mind.”
I’m the same way. I’d just see the top of his head over the work cubicles, and go into paroxysms of joy. Ah … I miss that. I will never see him again. Sure, I’m a lot “healthier,” but also a heck of a lot more bored. 🙂

“It’s all so transitory and illusory”… never were truer words spoken Marica.
That is the cold hard reality that my mind does not want to face up to. I want to believe my feelings have some deep meaning, that LO is really special, that he gets me in a way no-one else does, that I am somehow better because of my LE and that I need LO in my life. But the reality I keep trying to tell myself is that it is just an addiction to my own chemistry, an illusion produced by my imagination and internal reward system.
Why is it though that even knowing this and believing it fully at least some of the time, all it takes is one kind word or moment of eye contact with LO, and this reality is instantly erased from my mind.

It’s kind of ironic. If a relationship is formed from an LE, it ends up in the same place as other relationships — a friendship with sex. At the time, the LE shakes you to the very soul … until it doesn’t. It’s all so transitory and illusory.

I would argue that limerence is not a relationship at all really, but instead a stage some of us go through that sometimes leads to an attached relationship which the above definitions then apply to.