Funny enough I am hugely tolerant. To the point of early in my marriage avoidant of all conflict. My wife use to get angry at me that I wouldn’t argue/debate with her on some subjects or trails in our marriage. (I have gotten better about avoiding conflict as I have aged.) I get called a pushover or get taken advantage of because I am so tolerant of others. Live and let live is definitely still my motto in life.

But yet despite the fact that she might have sensed I had growing emotions outside of a healthy co-worker relationship and manipulated me to keep receiving said attention I still chased after this woman’s opinion of me. I lost my way trying to chase this woman’s validation. And why I don’t know as even my family mostly as a whole doesn’t validate me due to decisions I have made in life and yet I accept those as Dr L mentioned about his friends’ views as oppose to his. But not with her. Which is unreal as my wife and I are on almost complete opposites with politics and religion, which are two very sensitive topics for many. But every “Adam you’re so helpful” or “Adam you’ve been married 23 years you would know what advice to give me” was just the validation I sought. So even when someone comments on an old post of Dr L’s that I haven’t seen and I read it most times I cannot grasp the anomaly that was her when it comes to every other aspect of my life.

I am sick of the word respect

It’s like a taser used to enforce some kinda what?

Ceremonial Duty?
Fanatic Adulation?
Veneration?
Adherence to a flexible policy?
Admiration for Glory?
Asking politely instead of demanding?
A geometric term defining two points on an axis?
Wikipedia has a line saying it is the single most importantly confused word in the world and its misguided use is the cause for all conflict in families
Villages
Valleys and Nations

And TOLERANCE?

tolerance is the virtue of PERMITTING some action that we don’t personally endorse or wish to instill in our own lives.

Tolerate the MYSTERY is a massive leap forward. Thanks for this.

“I’ve always been very struck (and moved) by your view that you don’t want anyone to take away (or end) your LE for you.”
Just to clarify, if I could wave a magic wand and take my LE away completely, I would do that in a shot! I just would not want someone else (e.g. LO) to make that choice for me – it is about self determination, not about wanting to keep the limerence. I feel as you do, that the intrusive thoughts can be very hard to live with and I would dearly love for them to be gone.
I am an utter devils advocate also! I just can’t help myself sometimes and it often gets me into trouble 🙂
But I am an INFJ, although personally, I do not put great stock in that meaning a anything much about who I am – I am a unique individual, not a personality grouping. I find these such a crude tools.

Hi Allie!

Just coming to your comments here a little late. Thank you always for your sincere input on the blog. I haven’t heard of the crab bucket analogy before, but I love any analogy or metaphor that has a visual component, because it’s poetic and I’m a bit of a visual thinker… Visual images help me remember things. 😛

I’ve always been very struck (and moved) by your view that you don’t want anyone to take away (or end) your LE for you. Honestly … so intriguing!! If my intrusive thoughts didn’t become so bad, I would heartily share your view. It’s the intrusive thoughts that put me off, the biology, and not the morality. Although if my LO and his partner genuinely didn’t want me in their life, then stepping back would be the only respectful course of action.

I’m an iNTJ, so I like looking at things from all possible points of view, and sometimes I’ve even been known to argue in favour of perspectives I don’t necessarily believe in (playing Devil’s advocate), just to test the validity of my ideas. When I play Devil’s advocate, I often discover that arguments are more nuanced than I first assumed. I learn more about other people’s feelings on a subject (and about other people’s feelings in general). And I discover things that even my restless mind has missed – important details.

People might think I’m a ratbag or I’m being argumentative when I play the Devil’s advocate, but actually such “argument” for me isn’t argument, but “extraverted thinking”, which is a natural strength of INTJs. For me, debate isn’t conflict or aggression. For me, debate is learning. I want to learn. 😛

I know some other personality types, including INFJs – I guess anyone with an “F” preference – might struggle sometimes with debate, because they construe debate as criticism or interpersonal conflict and not as impartial learning. Society at large also perceives debate as conflict and not as learning… Because human beings often perceive debate as conflict, I’ve learned to soften my views, (not always successfully), or pick more diplomatic and compassionate language. (Again, not always successfully).

I have an INFJ older sister, which makes me very interested in the INFJs on this board. My INFJ sister is a bit amusing, though – at least, to me. When she talks, it appears she’s embraced all these wild and unconventional ideas and lifestyles, including polyamory. People might assume she’s a “social rebel”, if you will. But if one looks at the way she’s lived her life – she’s actually quite gentle, conservative, moralistic, sensitive, selfless, cares very much about other people, loses herself in relationships occasionally, can struggle with authenticity and voicing her own needs, etc.

Sometimes, I think my sister’s “rebellious side” is all a facade, and she’s actually quite traditional under all that. I wonder if this is true of many iNFJs? (INFJs see all the glorious possibilities in life, including the glorious possibilities of unconventional relationships, but don’t necessarily want unrestricted freedom). Plus, I think INFJs do a disproportionate share of the “emotional labour” in ALL their relationships, so polyamory in actual practice may well lead to irritation and exhaustion and ultimately burn-out for INFJs…

I appreciate INFJs, as INFJs (and INFPs even more so) help me connect with my feelings in a much more direct way, and put my feelings into context. Maybe that’s the INFJ superpower? Though, honestly, the way you guys rabbit on about “bittersweet this” and “bittersweet that”. (No, just teasing. I love the bittersweet seasons/emotions in life too). 😛

Seriously, though, it’s been great being exposed to so many … fellow introverts! LwL is like some kind of unique classroom environment to me. Maybe we should grab a few crab buckets for our unique classroom? 🙂

Thank you! What would I do without you steering me through the page!

BLE,

Tips on low/no contact are buried in a lot of blogs.

I recommend you search the archive for “contact.” You’ll get a bunch of hits.

Sammy,
You’re absolutely right. I spent a year trying to figure out my LO. He’s an ordinary man. My brain made him mysterious and compelling.
He really owes me 😉

Forgiveness is everything, especially of ourselves.