Sammy,
And lets us know what happens. Not only do we want to know what happens between you two at the bar, but we also want to know what happens AFTER the bar … because we are very noisy and pushy. 🙂

Thanks for your kind words, Allie. And yes, Merry Christmas to everyone!

“Well, there are about a million jokes in that statement. 🙂”

@Marcia. Yup, after writing that, I knew I could be setting myself up for a joke or two. Freudian slip? Probably. Haha.

Less embarrassing though then the time I offered to help a young lady studying nursing find library books on “liver implants”. (Hint: there’s no such thing as “liver implants”, only “liver transplants”. This young lady was handsomely endowed in the chest department, if you know what I mean, and appeared to be braless under her sweater). I apologised profusely once I realised my verbal mistake and we both blushed.

Benjamin,
“Yeah, it’s interesting how we can develop limerent feelings for someone because they have some feature that is otherwise unremmarkable but we fixate on it because it reminds us of someone else.”
I think this is one of the key differences between a limerent and a non-limerent — they way each experiences attraction. For a limerent, it often has very little to do with the other person’s appearance (minus the one feature you mention). What I mean is: the LO is very rarely the hottest person in the room. And you can’t explain that to a non-limerent. I have had friends met my LOs and ask, “That’s him?” Because to them the LO was unremarkable, but I had made him into James Dean. 🙂
Allie,
Yeah. Good idea. Maybe skip the coffee I recommended and ask him the LO out for a drink. But skip the wine and get a shot. 🙂 Seriously, it will help.

Thanks for sharing Sammy. I feel for you and I think we can all relate to that! The shy awkwardness is the worst isn’t it. I feel overwhelmed when I first see LO these days as it is a rarer event nowadays – it can be humiliating, given the work context. I think that is why so few cases of mutual limerence ever work out… you need one person in the pair to be capable of speech!
But do try inviting him out for a drink…preferably an alcoholic one.
My SO is the only LO I have ever successfully dated… during my LE, I purposefully organised day or evening social events every few weeks and they all involved alcohol. I invited LO and a group of friends, some mutual, many of whom knew of my intense infatuation. All arranged with my sole aim of spending time with LO, where I have a few loyal friends on hand for conversational backup in case I clammed up. We did wine tasting, party cruise on the Thames, clubbing, dinner/discoes, pub crawls, etc. And my plan worked in the end as we have now been married 13+ years!
And if it hadn’t worked out? My friends and I always had fun anyway. Aah..to be young and free again.. sigh 🙂
Happy Christmas all x

@Sammy Yeah, it’s interesting how we can develop limerent feelings for someone because they have some feature that is otherwise unremmarkable but we fixate on it because it reminds us of someone else. I know that this is something that happened with my own LO. I actually think that is a fun game, not only because it helps us de-idealize LO, but also because we can learn a lot about ourselves on the process.

And on the subject of awkwardness, I remember the first time I asked LO1 out for a coffee. You could be forgiven to think that I was trying to propose, by the way I was stuttering and looking for the “correct” words. Or the first time I talked with LO2. As you say, is something that is universal for all limerents.

Nausea can be a response to trauma.

When LO #2 told me she was seeing someone, it felt like someone had kicked me in the stomach and I’d throw up. Interestingly, a few seconds later, I felt this overwhelming sense of calm wash over me like someone had hit me with a shot of Demerol.

Maybe DrL can explain that.

Sammy,
“But I apparently have a subconscious sexual attraction (a limerent attraction?) to men who have disproportionately large hands. ”
Well, there are about a million jokes in that statement. 🙂 Anyway, ask him out for coffee. Yes, I know it will not be easy to do. I’ve done stuff like that myself. It took everything I had. I was a nervous wreck, but after a while I got disgusted with myself and forced myself to push through the fear. Sometimes my first effort was so botched, I had to go back and make a second.

@NorthernStar. I wonder if there is any scientific explanation for the “kind of nausea” you feel when being in contact with your LO? Is it a manifestation of, say, heightened anxiety? A knot in the stomach – I’ve often felt that around potential LOs.

In fact, I have a story to share about recent run-in with a potential LO. Or at least a man who glimmers quite strongly for me, even if the interaction hasn’t turned into full-blown limerence. (If only!)

This man is gay, so at least I’m infatuated with someone of the right sexual orientation this time round. (Hope?) We go to the same place to socialise and have known each other a couple years. No intimate contact. Just the whole limerent dance and it seems mutual e.g. lingering eye contact, little smiles, compliments mostly about each other’s looks. (I’m playing with fire I know).

Interesting aside: this guy reminds me of my LO#1 (my first “great love”, who was straight). What’s the similarity? Well, I finally figured it out the other day – it’s all in the hands. My gay friend waved at me and when he raised his wrist I saw for the first time he has the exact same hands as LO#1 (chubby fingers).

Comical and ridiculous I know. How many people find big, awkward hands attractive? But I apparently have a subconscious sexual attraction (a limerent attraction?) to men who have disproportionately large hands. It’s enough to tip me into infatuation. Good looks, eyes, face and body are all nice. But not enough to tip me into infatuation. It’s the hands! I’m “getting the glimmer” from this guy because of HIS HANDS and until a week ago it was completely subliminal. (I didn’t know what it was about him that was affecting me so powerfully).

This chap paces a lot. He has enormous amounts of nervous energy and he stutters when he speaks. He’s clumsy and freezes when we touch, even when he’s initiating the hug. Hugging him is like hugging a tree. He can’t relax. He’s forever on his phone, so he has obsessive tendencies. I believe he is one of us, a fellow limerent. However, I don’t think he’s limerent for me because of the amount of time he spends on his phone. (I’m not on his phone, and he’s not on mine).

Still, out of sheer curiosity, I decided to give him a chance to say anything to me he wanted to say. I was coming out of the bathroom and he was at his locker. He made eye contact with me again, like he wanted to talk to me. So I went over. I felt sick to my stomach, my legs so weak I could barely walk. Also, embarrassingly, I developed selective mutism. (Sudden inability to speak). So I was standing there, in front of my crush, undressed and incapable of speech. I’m almost 38 by the way and my crush is 5-10 years younger than me (I’m guessing).

Crush was also almost incapable of speaking. All he could say to me was: “See ya. See ya. Just see ya.” (With these oh-so-eloquent lines will our fantasy romance be immortalised?) I still couldn’t say anything. So impulsively I put my arms around his trunk, like a mentally retarded child, hugged him, and ran off, feeling ashamed of myself the whole time. I think he’ll forgive me – we’ve had awkward hugs before, some he initiated, some I’ve initiated. But yeah. If this is what mutual limerence feels like, it’s seriously awkward and not that sexy.

I did feel a little sad that he wasn’t warmer toward me, that his body didn’t melt into mine, etc. (Was he afraid? Does he not like me, after all? Darn all those cute boys on his phone!) But I didn’t feel wiped out or devastated by the apparent absence of reciprocation. I know I’ll be okay if he doesn’t like me back, because I’ve weathered romantic rejection before in my life.

I have felt euphoria at times in the presence of this guy. I was hoping that one day the euphoria might turn into a real friendship and honest communication. I can’t speak for him, of course. But now it just seems like there’s fear and reserve on both sides.

I thought I’d share this little experience anyway, because it sounds like “classic limerence” to me. And it might make people feel better about their own experiences, remind people of feelings that they themselves have experienced. It’s a sweet, sad, and funny story of limerence that just happens to involve two guys. (But how easily it could have been a guy and a girl. Limerence is clearly universal).

Thanks Dr. L.! I’ll check the resources. Reading your blog posts and the comments really helps too. Lately I’ve been wondering if LO could be limerent for me too, because it’s just hard to understand this kind of unhealthy ’friendship’ otherwise. We had a short NC last winter but it was actually covid that brought us back in contact because we were worried about eachother. He knows (I’ve told him) how I feel about him and still he keeps going on. Luckily we don’t live in the same city, but I have to go to his city for work sometimes and everytime it’s hell. I would love to have him in my life somehow, because he is super inspiring (yup, I’ve put him on a pedestal) but I guess that’s not possible. The thought of losing him just breaks my heart because I’ve never met anyone like him.

Thanks for this website, there seems to be wonderful people here and always such a supportive tone on the comments!