@Jaideux.

“As time marches on I realize that LO not choosing me was a grand gift, and not a soul crushing disappointment.
I am free to breathe, to be myself and as you say, to have needs.
As I heal I have the sensation of being able to now fly through life, catching the currents and traveling to new adventures and discoveries.
Freedom from Limerence is exhilarating!”

That sounds like a really great way to look at things. 😛

The last contact I had with LO #4 was when I sent her a congratulatory email on her 10th anniversary. I blew right past this one.

NC and time FTW!!!

That sounds like a lovely holiday and I’m glad LO was just a momentary thought. There is hope for us all!

Hi LE

Congratulations in your wedding aniversary.

I was in Salzburg last Monday august 21st. Very interesting city. Saw Mozart’s museum and the house he lived. The castles and gardens where one scene of the Sound of music was filmed etc.etc. The heat was unbearable so we had to cut the visit short. There’s a heat wave in Europe. So we went back to Bavaria, Germany, and stayed there, by the border of Austria , right under the Alps mountains. Beautiful, simply beautiful, those green valleys, rivers and creeks, lakes, pastoral life with the dreamy Alps in the background. I love Germany.

My XLOs weren’t anywhere in my head until I rounded a corner in Salzburg [side trip] and saw a woman who could have been LO #4 just ahead of me. She turned around. It wasn’t LO #4 but for a second, I held my breath.

After knowing it wasn’t her, things went right back to normal.

For all I know, they could be dead. I could say that I hope that they aren’t but it doesn’t make any difference.

I’ve cut way back on LwL, That’s good. I’m seeing my dental hygienist, once a prospective LO, on Wednesday. I used to look forward to seeing her but the glimmer is gone.

Limerence…meh…

I’m pretty sure that reading too much about limerence is a limerence symptom. It can be obsessive in itself at times and one can have a limerence article feeding (or reading even) frenzy.

During the LE, LO #4 seemed really important. There was no rational basis for that but that’s the way it was. I never even met LO #4 in real life. It was all via PM and email.

At first, I could explain the LE but I could never excuse it. I spent over a year and a half with the EAP counselor working through it. I think the EAP counselor kind of enjoyed it because it was something a little different for her.

As time passes, even the explanation rings hollow.

Yeah, I experienced it. It was enlivening and anxiety filled. It seemed really important and I contemplated doing some really stupid things but now…it’s gone.

I wish I could say there’s a silver bullet but I don’t think there is. LO #4 offered me a way out and I took it. After that, time and distance did it’s work. Everybody has to find their own way out of the wilderness.

Enjoy the weekend.

Sammy you once again prove how insightful you are and I thank you.
My mum was indeed narcissistic.
Have you read “Why am I not good enough, healing the wounds of a narcissistic mother” by McBride ?
It’s brilliant.
It’s so interesting how we fall into patterns, isn’t it?
As time marches on I realize that LO not choosing me was a grand gift, and not a soul crushing disappointment.
I am free to breathe, to be myself and as you say, to have needs.
As I heal I have the sensation of being able to now fly through life, catching the currents and traveling to new adventures and discoveries.
Freedom from Limerence is exhilarating!

“… but I was very ‘mature’ in how I didn’t demand for him to officially date me or leave me alone (well I tried once, but somehow I got hoodwinked into business as usual). I was the most accommodating and pleasant limerent in the stable! The favorite! To my great harm. I think LO’s view us as property, we are there to tacitly serve their needs…so they keep giving us what keeps in their orbit. We tend to be very trusting and gullible as a group.”

@Jaideux. What you describe here could very easily be the dynamic between a narcissistic parent and a golden child. The golden child is only golden as long as she gives up her own identity/personality and serves the needs of the narcissistic parent. One of the narcissistic parent’s needs might be to have a child who is “never any trouble”, a child who is overly compliant, a child who doesn’t place any demands or expectations on the parent. Unfortunately, this child is never allowed to be a child… This child is forced to be “mature” beyond her years.

I am familiar with the dynamic from my own life, and my relationship with my own mother. I was that golden child. I wasn’t allowed to have needs. I wasn’t allowed to “breathe” when Mum was around – she took up all the oxygen in the room. The problem with the dynamic is that eventually the golden child starts suffocating, because his/her emotional development hasn’t been supported.

I think the narcissist’s game is to promise us love if we’re super-subservient and go along with their (grandiose) plans. Unfortunately, we never receive one drop of love, no matter how obedient we are, because narcissists aren’t capable of really loving. They just need us to prop them up. There’s no give-and-take.

Your behaviour in this situation wasn’t “mature” per se, because, as an adult woman, you’re allowed to have needs. (As a child, you were allowed to have needs too, darn it!) What’s really happening in the situation is the narcissist is selfishly denying your right to have needs, and calling it love. In some ways, you were tricked into being something very disturbing indeed – a human with no needs!! Your doubtful reward? Being the favourite pony in the stable.

I hope you now realise you’re allowed to have needs, my sweet! You’re allowed to “breathe” and be an actual person with valid feelings!! 🙂