BLE,
“Re-reading what I just typed, I realize I’m basically a teenager.”
I laughed when I read this. When I start talking about men to a group of female friends, I stand outside of myself and hear myself and think: OMG, I sound like I’m about 15 years old. But then I think — Does EVERY aspect of my life have to be practical? The job, the bills, the “life decisions”? Can there not be one area that is irrational and based on a gut-level, emotional response?

Oh that’s interesting. For me it’s the exact opposite and I also thought that everyone experienced attraction or falling in love the way I did. (Well, this site taught us otherwise :P)

When I meet someone they are in one of three categories:
1) I enjoy them as a person and we click but I’m not attracted at all. So those would only become platonic friends.
2) I’m insanely attracted to them and beyond that point I can’t tell you much more because my mind and body don’t function anymore. Those are the people I become limerent for. I could not be friends with someone from that category.
3) There’s a spark when we meet and I’m attracted a bit but it really could go either way. With some I started a relationship, with others I become platonic friends. Once we were on the “platonic friends” road I could never go back. When I consider someone as ” just a friend” I lose any kind of attraction to them. I think it’s about familiarity. They feel more like brothers at some point.

I’ve only ever had satisfying relationships with men from category three.

Re-reading what I just typed, I realize I’m basically a teenager. I don’t think I can differentiate well between attraction and romantic feelings. Apparently, I can’t JUST find someone highly attractive. My mind always builds some romantic interest around that. I think I have to work on that.

LE,
“Well, if you ever need a ghost writer for the LwL series of “bodice rippers,” you know where to find me.”
LOL. I do need the male point of view. 🙂

“{Veil of Victorian prudishness applied by Dr L}”

Well, if you ever need a ghost writer for the LwL series of “bodice rippers,” you know where to find me.

I’m already the [self-proclaimed] “Limerick Laureate of LwL.” My resume could use a little padding.

Allie,
“Interesting! What would happen if you picked someone that you spark with as a friend I wonder?”
I might have a mild spark with a friend but it’s usually not enough to act on it. I don’t feel compelled enough to do it.
” I am only ever attracted to men that I know well and already have an emotional connection (friendship) with.
In some cases, I have known someone for years as a good platonic friend before inexplicably becoming intensely attracted to them.”
It sounds like you are what you wrote — a demisexual. I have never all of a sudden become intensely attracted to someone I have known for a while. Now, every blue moon, a guy will say or do something that is interesting and I will all of a sudden think about him in a romantic light. Usually it’s something bold and a little raunchy.
🙂 Maybe he’s someone I hadn’t noticed before. But he’s usually a friendly acquaintance. Not a friend
“I used to think this was how everyone experienced attraction!”
I can tell almost immediately if I’m attracted or not. And … the more I get to know someone, the closer I may grow to them, but the attraction tends to begin to diminish over time.
“It is hard to stop trying to impress when you so desperately want someone and you feel so acutely self-conscious all the time. ”
That’s how I feel around an LO. The more comfortable I am, I see that person as a friend.

“I am not attracted to my male friends, but then again, maybe I am subconsciously picking male friends I am not into.”
Interesting! What would happen if you picked someone that you spark with as a friend I wonder?
I have enjoyed reading this thread. It makes me wonder if I am a bit odd as I am only ever attracted to men that I know well and already have an emotional connection (friendship) with. In some cases, I have known someone for years as a good platonic friend before inexplicably becoming intensely attracted to them. My SO was a friend before he became an LO, and my relationship with current LO was purely platonic for the first 1.5 years. I was recently told on the community pages this sexual preference even has a name “demi-sexual”… who knew that was a thing – I used to think this was how everyone experienced attraction!
I get the inauthentic thing too. It is hard to stop trying to impress when you so desperately want someone and you feel so acutely self-conscious all the time. That is the differentiating factor for me in whether someone is worth pursuing or not… I cannot enjoy being with someone unless I can be authentically me so I tend to keep my distance otherwise. Saying that, I can authentically be many different personas depending on my mood and who I am with so can usually find one that fits 🙂

Sammy,
“An incredibly intense feeling of longing is what separates limerence from friendship. ”
I think sexual attraction separates friendship and limerence. Or a crush and friendship. To me, friendship is the absence of wanting to get sexual.
“I’ve met gay men for whom I’ve felt strong physical attraction. These men ended up becoming my close friends.”
I am not attracted to my male friends, but then again, maybe I am subconsciously picking male friends I am not into.
” Limerence involves raw, primal, urgent NEED, crawling-through-the-dirt craving, naked-in-the-thunderstorm desperation. ”
I think limerence is a crush times 1000. Overwhelming attraction. The intense need for reciprocation. The LO planting himself in your subconscious.
“Limerence makes it so hard for us to be authentically ourselves. And the prognosis of a relationship built on inauthenticity isn’t good…”
I totally agree. Suddenly you realize there are 3 people in the situation — the guy, you and the role you are playing.
“The average man would surely love a woman playing the role you describe. ”
I guess that depends on whether or not the other women they’ve been with deployed the same tactics. 🙂 I am NOT going to ask. Something that is typical could get dull.

There goes the most interesting part of my day. 🙂

Folks, can we maybe lay off the Harlequin Romance stuff? I don’t want the site flagged for racy content…

Yeah, Marcia,

I don’t remember getting ready as being a big part of the ritual for them but maybe it was.

The fun comes later.

{Veil of Victorian prudishness applied by Dr L}