But! I often wondered if it were her tactic to send a message to me in case I was crushing on her.

I’d often use it as an example for women who want to find out if a guy has a crush on you–ask to date his good lookin musician pal who all the other women in the friend circle have also taken on a bed soothing coping mechanism mission

Truth is… this all happened at a time when my purpose was off the rails and I was heading into unstable territory

My limerence has always been a signal that I am losing track and need to get back to what I really want to do with my life

(I have for 30 years been a working artist with boom and bust boom and bust cycles of success. When I am in a boom curve I don’t actually get “limerence”… I get confidence to share my needs and wants.

It’s in the down-trend part of my cycle that I start to escape the stress through grooming fantasies of unlikely and unreachable people.

What works for me (a treatment not a cure) is to refocus and get back to my life project

I can’t make assumptions about my fellow lims here–we all react differently–but I am sure all of us can list (say 10 or 15) beautiful soul-enriching circumstances in our life when the needs that feed our limerance were fed

For example those achievements and accomplishments we attained not for the reward of validation but BECAUSE IT HAD TO BE DONE… and yet sincere validation is generated simply because it isn’t a cry for attention

I.e:

The catalyst I needed to begin my career came from a friend of mine who showed my work to her art professor… he used MY WORK to teach his class

Being told this at 20 years old was a I needed to feel confidence in my ability. It is one of the greatest most beautiful gifts ever given

I have a list of various items like this

I am sure you all have wonderful examples of your own where your humanity was revealed and brought joy that was unasked for

If I get limerence i say to myself this list… i refeel my feelings of validation I got from them like I am praying. I re experience all the joy and love stored in my fat cells that override the pain we store there.

I know in my heart no LO can come close to this certified sincerity of past validation that came because of merit not trying

And so I ask myself am I TRYING here?

And that’s my clue.

None of the AMAZING GIFTS of validation ever came to me coz i was LOOKING FOR IT.

and I have enough examples in my past to hold up as a touchstone to what ACTUALLY FEEDS MY SOUL and worked vs a GLIMMER that might as well be a roulette ball spinning

Love and support to you all

Thanks for all your candour.

Agreed – another obstacle to recovery is brooding over the idea of not being good enough. Especially true if LO and self are both available, and LO hasn’t offered any definitive reasons why relationship not desirable. Of course, our LOs owe us nothing. However, I would have found it really helpful if mine said something along the lines of “I’m not physically attracted to you” or “I’m really into so-and-so and don’t want to waste my time interacting with you”. Harsh perhaps. But at least the message would be clear – “you’re not on my romantic radar”.

Recovery from limerence for good? I think it has something to do with the glimmer. No longer getting the glimmer around attractive, available persons of the preferred sex, or getting the glimmer at such a low wattage it no longer disrupts everyday life (like a lightbulb turned down low). To me, that is a strong sign of growth – you’re now exiting the “limerence tunnel”, possibly for good.

@Vincent. Yup, I totally get why the “as a boss” comment would have been grating to you during the height of LE.

“So she’ll maybe change her mind and not want her SO and a family and want an affair with me instead?”

So you want her to end her marriage, not have a child and be your mistress. You don’t even pretend that you will end your marriage. She takes all the risks and you get all the benefits of her action.

Very telling.

Oh yeah nothing less than absolute reciprocity would do for me at the height of the LE. I remember my LO texting me after something I did to help her, and she said: “I’m never going to find anyone better as a boss than you am I?”

For what was objectively a sweet thing to say, all I could do was look at those three words in the middle: “AS A BOSS” and see the negative. That qualification rendered the whole message an insult as I needed her to say something unequivocal, which she was never going to do of course.

Crazy.

@Sammy- you nailed all the feels. “even sincere friendship feels like an insult”. No truer words. The friendship feels like a hollow, sickening consolation prize. And they just can’t understand why we aren’t grateful for it. Limerence is such a beast.

When someone offers something less than full emotional reciprocation to someone in a limerent state, that’s really painful. Even sincere friendship feels like an insult. Of course, all my LOs were oblivious to my misery/suffering. How could they know they were making me feel worse by acting so good-natured? Even their good-naturedness came across as offensive when I was in pain.

Oh I understand what you are feeling B! I may go through the same some day soon. LO and his SO are together for some time now, and I believe she moved in with him. I actually once had a dream about visiting them and their newborn baby. I remember their happiness. I remember feeling I was nothing.
“I was nothing to her”… maybe not, but she chose a different life.
A pregnancy means a definitive end to all hope. Your rational brain knew this already, but now it’s real. Devastating.
You will get over this B, big hugs to you 🤗

@Mia,
Well, the time has come. I now know she is probably pregnant. She hasn’t told anyone yet, but I know. I am devastated. She will be gone for good in a matter of months. She has such a happy life ahead of her, she won’t even notice I’m not a part of it anymore. I was nothing to her. I feel so sick I could vomit. Why does this hurt so badly? I just want to crawl into bed and go to sleep forever..

Thank you Mia. I know exactly what you mean about wanting LO to be miserable. I have said a few times on here that what I want more than anything is a partner in my misery. I want to know LO is struggling like I am. I want to commiserate together over our mutual crush and just talk about it and be real. I think that would give me the outlet or release I am seeking. It kills me that thoughts of me don’t haunt her the way she haunts me.
I realize I may have some time before she leaves but it does create a sense of urgency. For some reason I want to disclose my feelings (a second time) or give her a heartfelt letter once I know the end is near. But why? So she’ll maybe change her mind and not want her SO and a family and want an affair with me instead? I think just the fact that she is trying for a child cements the idea that she never really considered me as a possibility. I was always just some guy she could flirt with and then go home to her SO and I not even cross her mind. I feel such anger and hurt. And she is oblivious. I want her to know.