End of intrusive thoughts is really the aim. I don’t mind having a crush on someone but for them to be on my mind all the f-ing time? It was disturbing.

Thank you FinallyOvr!🙏🏻

I am grateful.

I wish you luck in your journey too.

Hi FinallyOvr,

it’s so good for me to read that. I‘m also limerent for a long-term friend and I‘m so glad to see that someone managed to come out of it without losing LO as a friend.
It’s very interesting for me that you also had/have the feeling of love overriding limerence. Limerence is basically a selfish thing or at least based on wanting, expecting etc., and I also have these glimpses of just loving LO in a peaceful way, letting him be and do whatever he does/is without always connecting it to me and my desires.
I‘m also thrilled to read that you think allowing yourself to feel everything and not try to control everything helped you. It’s what I feel too- when I hold everything down and denigrate LO in my thoughts, force myself to reduce contact and think only if his bad sides, it feels bad, forced and somewhat constipated.

Congratulations on your journey! I’m happy for you!

I did it all, had all the false successes and disappointing, frustrating failures, but I want to share the last stretch (last two months or so), when it was really clear that I was getting over the LE. My green shoots of recovery as it were.

(note that LO and I are “friends”)

– I wrote down every red flag about LO (there were 30)
– I wrote down every green flag about LO (and some green flags were reasons to NOT be with LO as well)
– I began to see LO as a real person because of above
– I started being more “real” with LO, so I wasn’t just a doormat anymore, I even had a fight with LO when we disagreed
– I felt I loved LO more than I ever had in the entire two years I had known them – it felt a little different from limerence somehow … realer
– I had a strong, sudden moment of death of hope; it felt like a ‘SNAP’ like something broke – and I totally accepted that LO and I could never be together
– I experienced what felt like an energetic disconnection – I no longer had that strange feeling (delusion?) of connection with LO
– First sign was that LO was not the last thing on my mind when I went to sleep and not the first thing I thought of when I awoke (ie. the intrusive thoughts were the first to leave)
– I felt grief, but I also felt joy
– When I thought of LO in a life without me, and with someone else, I was not indifferent to it, but I felt okay about thinking of LO loving someone else
– My entire pattern of relating to LO changed – I no longer waited for texts – I did not text LO every time I thought of LO (the urge to reach out was low) – at one point I even thought of something I could have texted to LO, but I didn’t, and wonders of wonders, I actually FORGOT to text LO (this is very different from in the past when I had to make a huge effort to LC or NC – this was a genuine ‘slipped my mind’! I was amazed when I realized it happened – I no longer answer every question LO askes me over text, I maybe answer 70% (the the past I was super attentive to what LO wanted and overshared)
– there is an absence of pain when LO crosses my mind (the first few weeks I noticed this, I said a little “thank you” to the universe – it is SUCH a relief to be free of that pain, I remember how I cried like my heart was breaking and I felt like I could not bear not being with LO.
– I no longer feel jealous when LO interacts with others in our friend group
– If a text comes in from LO, I don’t always read it immediately if I have something else on (this is amazing! And this is not “trying” to not look at it, it just feels like … I will get around to it but I am in the middle of something right now
– I am interested in SO many other things in life and it is great!
– I think of others romantically (but not like limerence! Thank goodness! It is just enjoyable, and at most I think about it a few minutes a time and maybe not more than 3-4 times a day)
– I don’t try to manufacture situations where I get to interact with LO
– I make plans with LO to socialize but it doesn’t bother me if the plans fall through
– I notice that I am not “hyper aware” of interactions with LO (memories of LO during limerence are actually more vivid – I remember those instances from a couple of years ago BETTER than recent times I have interacted with LO! Current interactions do not have that hyper-clarity)
– I find LO objectively attractive, NOT subjectively attractive (this is interesting – I can note that LO is a good-looking person, but my body doesn’t react to that attractiveness with that lurch of uncontrollable attraction)
– I say “I love you” to LO much more easily and more often now – it seems less weighty now that there is no limerence … it feels less like a confession of love as just a sign of affection for someone
– I am so much more at ease around LO, like a normal person
– I feel more independent and responsible for my experiences

I think one crucial part of my recovery was allowing myself to feel EVERY shade of emotion vis a vis LO, without trying to suppress, guilt, deny, etc. Note I mentioned I felt such love for LO? I just let myself FEEL it, I even contemplated disclosing, and then … it changed. If I get moments where I notice I am reacting to LO now, I let that happen too (I admit a twinge of fear, but so far it hasn’t led to a relapse). I find the feeling passes sooner if I don’t try to control it so much. I also thought a lot about what this limerence has given me, and the part it played in my life. I came to terms with why it happened, what I needed from the experience, and I let myself be grateful for those lessons. I also focused more on where those lessons are pushing me into a new future and I am happy that I met LO because of that.

The lack of possessiveness is a big green shoot. It used to torture me if I thought LO even liked someone or found them interesting. I was simply furious if he showed interest in others. I made me frantic to think of him hanging out with others. It hurt to not know what he was up to all the time. It hurt even more when he started defecting (probably realizing I was a lost cause) and I wanted so badly to be special to him.

Now, there is a lack of pain. If I am 100% honest, I am not indifferent to LO. But it doesn’t hurt anymore, whereas there was so much pain before. I am grateful for it. I just wish LO didn’t glimmer so much. Why is he is so damned attractive to me? But fine, I’ll take the lack of pain. I don’t seek him. I don’t track our absences. And it is a relief, really. Being able to be present in my own life is fantastic. Another big green shoot right there.

In theory, my lymphoma could grow back, but it’s a kind with the slowest growth. I’m under doctor’s monitoring.

My attitude toward life is still off the mainstream — I could die tomorrow hit by a drunk driver; should I still avoid walking “dopamine fix”? 😀

@steve

Thank you for encouragement. “Love without obsession” is indeed my goal.

In all my xLEs, I was able to go NC, although suffered one or more years of depression with meds. During this LE, Hashimoto thyroiditis developed, which affected my moods and weakened willpower. Then with “Doomsday”s approach — possible terminal lymphoma, my perspective in life dramatically altered: If I could smile at a crawling cockroach, what’s wrong to interact with LO who was/is always friendly and supportive? Who would care 1% about what after I lay in my grave? ! (I was further hooked after the surgery)

When the “deadly” stage was over and after I regained back some physical strength, a strong urge to get over LE pushed me. I went NC before knowing what LE is. Now I feel much less isolated and more mentally & spiritually supported!

You will get there. And the price you pay is up to you. Be stingy.

Hi Snow Phoenix thank you for taking time to read. I wish you the best cuz I know you are on hard path and a path that wont win you much support in the real world. Thinking back on it all, If I had gone NC, it might have been best. Love without obsession is the goal. This obsessive love just hurts us and the one we are limerent about, in love with, or whatever. If you arent in hard, red knuckle NC, try to get there. That is your weapon. Dont give up your power. take care