If she is toying with you, it may be she’s just testing her powers on a younger guy to see if she’s still “got it”but had no intention of anything more. Maybe it’s subconscious on her part. . If you get the vibe that she is “warning you off” then by all means take the warning!

Sometimes we have to just make a decision that’s disappointing and realize that it is never going to happen and going down the path is only going to lead to pain and humiliation in the long run.

Reading your post makes it clear to me that you know the answer as to what to do but limerence is telling you not to give up hope.

Don’t listen and be kind to your future self.

That’s the thing, Dr L, I don’t know that it is a clear “no”. She does things that say “I’m not available” but then what’s with the long emails and txts, and she does lots of nice small gestures that I think a woman does for someone she cares about. She’s asked me out to lunch a couple of times. Sometimes she acts really motherly. Other times she’s crazy edgy, wilder than any women my own age. I am surprised all the time. And the way she looks at me, I could drown in those eyes. But more than that, she’s so smart. And witty. She’s senior in our workplace, and I never thought I would be attracted to a woman so much older, but she really has her sh*t sorted – and I don’t. She makes me feel helpless and powerful at the same time. I don’t want to mess with her life, but I can’t look away when she’s giving these hot/cold signals. Help!

Jaideux,
“what is incomprehensible to me is the sheer volume of time a LO could spend with a limerent, and really not be that “into” them.”
I think you wrote you guys were friends. Just because someone doesn’t want to go make things romantic doesn’t mean the whole situation can be negated. I have had friendships that were much more meaningful to me than some of my romantic situations, once the haze of those wore off, particularly with LOs once I reached the “what was I thinking?” phase.

Hi Marcia,
Yes having different levels of interest makes sense but what is incomprehensible to me is the sheer volume of time a LO could spend with a limerent, and really not be that “into” them. Perhaps it was just a long session of ego boosting for them, day after day, year after year. (I have a tendency for lengthy LE’s).
Kind of like playing an online game or having a hobby. A fun diversion, but not that meaningful (to them).

Jadieux,
“Why? Why spend so much time with me if it meant nothing?”
Do you read the forum? To me, with how strongly I felt about my LO, I wanted a full-blown romantic and sexual relationship. What else would do you with that feeling ? There’d be no other way to act on it. Nothing less made sense. But there have been many limerent posters on the forum who have written they don’t want a sexual relationship with the LO. They want the attention, the friendship, the reciprocation or to do “couple things” together or they want to flirt to let the person know they like them … because in an alternate universe they may do something more. I have to admit that I am still can’t get my head around some of it, but it helped me to understand how my LO may have been thinking. I do think he had feelings for me, and I used to think he didn’t act on them because he was married. But maybe that wasn’t the complete reason. Maybe our interactions (what I used to think of a badly cooked appetizer instead of a gourmet meal) were enough for him. Maybe that’s all he wanted. It’s a bit like dating. There are a whole lot of variations that someone could want between a f**k buddy and a getting married. Maybe limerence is like that. What I mean is … not every friend is going to be a best friend. People can want something much less. It doesn’t mean, at least to them, it means nothing. It just means it’s all they want. Now, of course, that stinks if the other person wants so much more.

French Lady,
That was always the mystery for me too, why my LOs spent so many hours communicating with me (they had many other people in their lives!), and although I’m told I’m interesting and fun to talk to, I can’t imagine I’m any more so than than the other people in their lives.
I’ve survived ending the LEs and the huge vacuum that leaves and am feeling quite complete and limerence free now but still look back and wonder, “Why? Why spend so much time with me if it meant nothing?”

Not sure how serious you are being Heathcliff, but you should be grateful that your LO is giving you a clear “no”.

The woman is in total denial that she has the hots for me.

Even if that’s true, it’s not relevant. Someone being attracted to you gives you no licence to mess with their life. Have some self respect and look for someone available. Better for everyone.

It kind of worked though, they are such a power couple together. It is a little intimidating. Why would she want me, a penniless grad student with debt up to my eyeballs? And risk her charmed life? All I could think of was that he could keep his Porsche and Tesla and their cabin in the mountains – I just wanted his wife!

Hi French Lady. Welcome, and thanks for sharing your story.

It does sound as though your glamorous LO has at least been honest about what he wanted, but as you are now finding, limerents often have to pay the price later for the euphoric thrills at the start. It’s encouraging that you seem to have a clear idea about what’s happened and why, and can see the situation for what it really is. That’s a really good foundation for building a better future rather than getting caught up in resentment and overanalysis of LO’s behaviour.

Good luck plotting your path to freedom!