Allie,
“When you commit to someone for life, I think you have to accept they will like, fancy or even love others in that time.”
Are attracted to other people? Sure. Maybe even have harmless crushes that one can walk away from and not care if they ever see again. But limerence? That’s a whole different ball game. That’s something that shakes up your very soul. I would not want to be married to someone who felt that way about someone else. I’d be done. In that sense, I do agree with GreenEyed about your partner giving you the information so you can make an informed decision.

“I feel like there is so much possibility inside of me sometimes that I wonder if one relationship or one path or one life can hold it all. ”
Oh I can so relate to that GEM!
But there are many different ways to do marriage….and I am not necessarily taking about polyamory here, although that is one way. An open minded, realistic, secure couple can give each a lot of freedom e.g. to think, feel and obsess all they like, or to go their own way for a short while. So long as they agree, still put each other first and remain committed to their relationship.

I don’t think many would disagree with you there Marcia, particularly women. Sometimes we need to explore the wrong path mentally in order to realise it is the wrong path.
When you commit to someone for life, I think you have to accept they will like, fancy or even love others in that time. It is unrealistic to expect anything else. What matters is that the limerent still appreciates and values their SO, is honest, treats them well and values them (& kids if relevant) above anyone else. It is possible to do that even if you are in the grips of an LE.

I guess I’m just not following this line of reasoning. So I’m supposed to feel better if I find out that my spouse didn’t actually physically cheat but has been hyperfocused, limerent and lusting after someone else for months if not years? Maybe I’m in the minority, but I’d feel better if my spouse had a one-off physical transgression with someone he didn’t care about versus was limerent for someone but never touched them.

I’d agree with that analysis, Allie and B. People are more willing to admit to their desire to cheat with LO, perhaps, but not their intent to do so. The privacy probably helps promote that openness, which is one of the reasons I set up the forum that way. Safe release of pent up guilt.

@Allie
I think you’re exactly right. The community forums aren’t necessary more accepting of that behaviour; rather, I think people just speak more openly there because there seems to be an extra layer of anonymity and privacy. I know I am more open with my thoughts there than here. I have felt more judgement here than on the forums, which is probably why I rarely comment here anymore.

I have to say that I browse many of the private community forum posts and have found an almost universal attitude that affairs are not the right thing to do. The degree of feeling it is not OK does vary, some people being much less judgemental than others, probably due to their current situations and beliefs. I think many people are very tempted by their limerent feelings and use the forum as a way of exploring and discussing that – maybe that has been misinterpreted? Otherwise, I am wondering if there is another forum I have not seen 🙂

I agree that the issue is a charged one. I grew up with 2 “logical” parents who stayed together but that doesn’t meant they were happy. It just was “illogical” to break up. And neither one was willing to do the work to get out of it. No, I don’t think either one was cheating, but it got so bad — separate bedrooms, separate lives — that I don’t think it was wrong for me to hope maybe one or both had a little joy on the side.

But maybe that’s because I’m a very logical person, and I tend to evaluate what people say in logical terms.

I think it’s fair to say that this is a highly inflammatory topic and that people on all sides can find it hard to cool the emotions and really listen to what others are actually saying. Sometimes even taking a logical position can be read as grossly insensitive for such emotionally-charged issues (no doubt you can think of some other topics where this pitfall applies…)

@GEM. I understand and broadly agree with what you say, and don’t even find it particularly controversial.

Cheating is disrespectful. If you had a partner who wanted to practise non-monogamy, he should have told you and given you a choice whether you wanted to stay with him if you’d both initially entered the union on the assumption of monogamy. You’re right – he shouldn’t have taken away your (hopefully joint) power to define the relationship.

Some heterosexual women married to gay men say the same thing about their marriages – e.g. I wish he told me (about his sexuality) and then I could have had some input into our future together. It’s important to not take away a partner’s agency. Adults need some control over their lives for the sake of mental health and it’s wrong to make a partner powerless in a union (by lying, manipulation, etc).

Of course, people are complicated, though. Sometimes lying is done to avoid hurting feelings. Sometimes people are confused. And it’s natural to find more than one person emotionally or sexually appealing throughout the lifespan. However, desire and behaviour are two different things and must be judged separately. It’s not always reasonable to act on our desires. I don’t think limerence should automatically lead to a divorce. People seem strangely reluctant to acknowledge or work through their emotions.

My parents married very young and my mother had an affair and left my father when she was about 40. She married her affair partner. To this day, 20 years later, she can’t admit she did anything wrong or hurt anyone. I love my mother very much. However, because she never accepted any kind of responsibility for the affair/divorce, I find it difficult to trust her or feel close to her. She damaged her relationship with her children, never mind her ex-husband, but remains in denial about that. I imagined many people have a similar mindset to my mother. They don’t want to confront their own flaws.

I can understand adults not getting along and breaking up for various reasons. Still, it’s sad when parents abandon their dependent children or say disparaging things about a loyal and loving spouse. Rewriting history is a no-no in my book. I.e. have an affair, by all means, but don’t pretend it’s your SO’s fault. Your affair is about you, honey, and not your partner’s alleged shortcomings.

It would have been nice if my mum was honest about her feelings – my dad was a good man, but she (Mum) in midlife found someone more exciting. (At least until that marriage too became all about routines and bills and responsibility, etc. Then she felt like a victim again. My mother probably has Narcissistic Personality Disorder).

I only read the blog here. However, if there are limerents justifying affairs, that might be a testament to the intoxicating nature of limerence. When I was experiencing the heights of limerence, I probably advocated some pretty dodgy moral positions too. Oh yes. And I loved to argue with friends about my dodgy moral positions!

Limerence sort of made me mad about personal freedom and how dare anyone or anything stand in my way, etc. I think it’s an adolescent mindset, and maybe a stage of development we all need to go through, before we realise it’s entitlement (in very thin disguise). Other people have rights and preferences, not just me.

Even the most sexually liberated and liberal people are probably only liberated and liberal until their own friends, family members or partners start exhibiting such “liberation”. I.e. when self-centred behaviour impacts one directly/negatively, how quickly one changes one’s tune and starts playing the so-called morality police!

Affairs can end marriages and very occasionally affairs can save marriages. Like I said before, humans (and human relationships) are complicated. Life isn’t black and white. But it’s important not to minimise the substantial costs involved in infidelity, especially when deception is involved. John Donne was right: “No man is an island.” What we do affects others (and eventually comes to light). Radical autonomy, while very attractive on paper, is an adolescent fantasy.

Thank you for your wonderful comments, GEM. I didn’t find the tone judgemental and scolding. Au contraire. I found what you said quite logical. But maybe that’s because I’m a very logical person, and I tend to evaluate what people say in logical terms. I very rarely take things personally. I.e. for me, arguments stand and fall on their own merits. People who approach life more emotionally (most people I’m afraid) may struggle to appreciate your perspective.