I can write a list of all the terrible qualities of my LO, and my love, my deep agape love does not change. He always moves towards me in getting that much closer to committing after 7.5 years when I move away from him, and the second I “relief the uncertainty” he backslides! I totally understand!!!

This is so spot on.

Dear D L , I was wondering of I could translate and use some contents of your website into Spanish. I am a L myself, coming out of a terrrible episode. Your website is so helpful.. Spanish born, lived in UK for 20 years, currently studying a Msc in Psychology conversion. I am thinking of writing about my experience and building a Spanish oriented website, as there is not much help in this language. I sent you a PM .
Many thanks

“They both mean inauthenticity.
In a relationship with actual love, you don’t need that.”

@Beth. Yup, I think you’re right on the mark here. “Beguiling” and “winsome” both have connotations of inauthenticity. 🙂

Also, I agree on your second point. Inauthenticity isn’t going to work in a relationship. Both parties need to be comfortable enough to be themselves, and say what they really think to the other.

They both mean inauthenticity.
In a relationship with actual love, you don’t need that.

Sammy,
“does limerence produce je ne sais quoi (or our feeling someone has it) or does je ne sais quoi produce limerence? ”
Depends on the LO. I think in the case of my professor LO, he had “that thing” and was universally thought of as sexy. But another one of my LOs … who I rambled on and on about … a freind of mine finally met him one day. I said, “What do you think?” He said, ” I want to punch you in the face!” It was funny. I had recreated that guy into James Dean, and he was most certainly not.
“that girl with the right energy … that girl who stands out because of some indefinable quality she has.”
You know what the movie exes told Marilyn Monroe at the start of her career when they met her in person? That she wasn’t pretty enough to be in the movies. But when she was onscreen, even briefly, even before she became a big star, the men in the audience went nuts. It was the combination of her whole package — the walk, the voice, the sexiness, the vulnerability. But it wasn’t being the most beautiful. There are plenty of beautiful people who slide right off the screen.

“Yeah but there’s a lot more to it than just how someone dresses or looks. It’s a quality, an energy, a distinctiveness …”

@Marcia. You’re right and you’ve described it so well. Even in a modelling context, your definition of je ne sais quoi makes the most sense. All the girls are pretty. All the girls are the right height. The ad campaign or whatever is looking for … that distinctive girl … that girl with the right energy … that girl who stands out because of some indefinable quality she has.

I think I have a better understanding of what je ne sais quoi is now. The meaning was just a little bit hazy in my mind. 😛

@Lee. Thanks for the English lesson. I’m a bit surprised “beguiling” does always seem to carry that negative connotation of deceit, at least as far as the dictionary is concerned. It’s a bit like the word “winsome”. “Winsome” means winning, cute, endearing, etc. But apparently it’s not a compliment. It’s not “the baby was winsome”. It’s more like “the crooked politician/the oily salesman was winsome”. There’s some element of trickery implied.

Haven’t really seen “beguile” used much in the second, literary meaning. But good to know this construction exists. Most people these days would probably say something like: “We whiled away a few hours at the cinema.”

Love words! 😛

“I guess I thought you meant someone could have that “je ne sais quois” based on how they dress or look.”

@Marcia. Well, I sort of meant that, because models and actors are sometimes described as having je ne sais quoi and in the case of models, it does seem mostly about looks or presentation. “Oh, we hired her for the job, because she has je ne sais quoi.”

“It lasted that long at least in part because I couldn’t figure him out. I mean his personality.”

Yes, the exact same thing happens to me too, and it drives me up the wall. This is one of the most maddening aspects of limerence I think. When experiencing limerence, I seem unable to make heads or tail of LO’s personality, and maybe that could be called the je ne sais quoi effect as well. “My date bewitched me.” 😛

The point I was trying to make was: does limerence produce je ne sais quoi (or our feeling someone has it) or does je ne sais quoi produce limerence? It’s the old chicken and egg problem – which phenomenon came first? I guess I’m really talking about the glimmer. Maybe we notice someone’s je ne sais quoi in the glimmer stage and that’s what the glimmer stage is all about?

Scharnhorst,
She told me that she didn’t like me when we first started dating. She said I was cocky and arrogant.
I don’t mind a little cocky. As long as it’s warranted. 🙂
““…was relentlessly persistent ”
Now, tbh, I’m not big on being relentlessly pursued. I want to know someone is interested but part of the mystery in the beginning is guessing at the depth and the extent of it. Someone coming at me like a freight train makes me uncomfortable. I always wonder what they were doing before they met me.
“As for decisiveness, my father also told me that if a woman ever said that she had other plans, the comeback was, “Change them.” ”
That is a good line, as long as you aren’t actually expecting the woman to change them. If I already have plans and I’ve given my word, I will follow through, and I would expect the man to do the same. He doesn’t need to cancel plans with friends for me.