This.

Yes, this is what I think about as I stumble along in my LE. This is what makes me believe there is a deterministic factor in our lives. Maybe it is the brain doing the determining (neurological) and not fate, but I can’t help feeling something is in charge of ME and it isn’t ME per se. I don’t like it and I it’s not really ME, but it is ME. There is a sense of “insanity” that exerts itself into the LE situation. It’s similar to extreme grief where a person looses their sense of self. As of the grief has taken over their life.

It’s not a good feeling, but when you are in the midst of an LE experience you don’t really care all that much. Until things start to go south.

I didn’t read it as holier than thou. I already knew what my situation is – and told myself, repeatedly, that I needed to act on what I knew to be true. I just fought myself for months. (Just read today’s post, by the way – that is me in a nutshell.) For a variety of reasons I haven’t gone into, even if my feelings are reciprocated, a relationship would be a horrible idea in both the short and long term. So the course is charted. I just hate the map at the moment. 😉 Thanks for your thoughts.

RCA,
I’m not trying to sound holier than thou. I have been through limerence and I know how powerful it is. But in the case of my friend, it was kind of like — either leave (and attempt to get with your LO) or plug back in, completely, to your marriage. Make a decision. For her I think the limerence was a distraction until she was finally ready to leave her husband. It provided something she didn’t have, but she was never going to act on it. I just know (hindsight is always 20/20) that I have spent years ruminating over someone who made it clear in the first few weeks he was never going to show up in any meaningful way in my life. And my patience for people who cant’ show up fully is at an all-time low. But that’s me. Your therapist is a trained professional. 🙂

I think that was my therapist’s point: that LO might hold back because I have an SO. But I can’t afford myself the luxury of thinking that way or I *will* do something stupid eventually. At least right now all the stupid is in my head.

I was a little tired last night when I read this. Glad I slept on it, because I wasn’t seeing what you were saying last night. 🙂 You’re right; this has dragged on long enough, and at least now I recognize that. Hence going LC, working on my marriage, etc. None of this is where I want it to be yet, but I know my course, and that’s a start.

If it’s the real deal, someone finally says something. Otherwise it’s just a friendship or a flirtation or a fantasy, and no one says anything because they don’t really want to. I have a family member who has a thing for one of her guy friends and thinks he has feelings for her, but he’s never broken up with an SO to be with her (he somewhat recently left one long-term partner for another woman) or tried to date her when he was single. He may have some feelings for her but he’s not acting on them. They’re not strong enough.

I don’t think that is true when one or both of you have an SO. I have never disclosed my feelings to my LO for that reason so have kept him in uncertainty for nearly a year.

RCA,
“But when I pressed her on it, she told me she didn’t think that it was the right time to do so yet; instead, she urged me to dedicate myself more to time spent with my SO and suggested that, with time, that would reduce my “need” for LO.”
Well I guess my feeling is … and I’m only one person … poop or get off the pot. 🙂 I had a friend who did this for 2 years. Ruminated over a close friend. Couldn’t decided whether or not to leave her husband. So she had her foot in both camps but wasn’t fully invested in either. And I think, deep down, she knew the guy friend wasn’t going to step up because, well, he hadn’t. If it was the real deal, I think the guy friend would have been telling her he wanted to be with her whether she was with someone else or not . She eventually left her husband, but not for the guy friend.

Intellectually I know you’re right. (This blog is very helpful.) But to continue my reply to your other reply, taking that step to disclose terrifies me. Right now LO is pretty much the only outside friend I interact with on a consistent basis (not for lack of trying on my part), and I am not looking forward to that loneliness.

She had, admittedly, been asking me if I’ve disclosed anything. In my head I just kept seeing the picture of the nuclear explosion/volcano Dr. L put on his blog. 🙂 But when I pressed her on it, she told me she didn’t think that it was the right time to do so yet; instead, she urged me to dedicate myself more to time spent with my SO and suggested that, with time, that would reduce my “need” for LO. I wouldn’t mind if that worked. Sounds kinder and gentler than disclosure, for me as well as for LO (I know, that’s a whole other issue) and/or anyone else.