(for context, we were probably mutually limerent, both pulled back, are trying to be friends and mostly succeeding, I think, and I suspected that my LO is a serial-limerent)

I find this pretty interesting, as I am independently searching for my life purpose too. But also, how I see and feel about my LO has shifted ever so slightly as well. First of all, he feels less of an object and more of a person? I am used to feeling desire for him, but now respect?

One of the things that I found really compelling when I first met LO was that he was obviously a past hedonist (addiction, alcoholism, gluttony, self-destruction, and all manner of devilry) but like me, now a little lost, and looking for something. Perhaps it is no accident that we pulled together at that juncture in our lives – two children lost in the woods. But perhaps it is not surprising either that because we had a bigger goal in mind already (after having caused so much destruction in our wake, a limerence affair would be a clear choice to continue down that path of destruction) we made the effort to stick to the path of a greater purpose.

Also, suddenly I find myself extremely unwilling to throw a fellow human being off their path of purpose. Life is hard enough as it is!

“The real skill when confronted with conflicting desires, of course, is to let go of the ones that conflict with your purpose.” That is the trick. Thanks Dr L.

Thanks Benjamin. It has been great interacting with you and some of the regular commenters from the blog on the private forum. I have missed some of the regular commenters who aren’t on the private forum though. In some ways, I began to feel like I got to know many of the people in this community. In many ways, limerence isn’t my biggest problem, I have largely gotten over my LO and I am not even sure if I am limerent for my glimmery friend. Therefore, I don’t think I will be commenting on here quite as much, and I probably should also cut back my activity on the private forum. Everything feels very different from how it was with my LO (and again, I don’t know if this is actual limerence or not).

Glad to see you having a clear picture of what you want to have in your future, VL.
Good luck with that.

I am happy to say that my limerence has been reduced probably by about 85%. I still really like my LO, but it feels more like a garden variety crush than an obsession by now. I probably still think of her daily, but the thoughts aren’t intrusive at all. I just passed the one year mark since that fateful night when I met my LO. That is a long time to be obsessing over someone I met only once, so I think time itself is a major factor. It has been like this for two months or so now, so I don’t think I am ever going back to the height of my LE.

However, the biggest factor is that I’ve met someone new! I wasn’t expecting this, but a new friend of mine started to give me the glimmer about two months ago. I think she is gorgeous, despite being quite a bit older than me. This woman is fun, exciting, VERY young for her age and decent, kind, successful, hard-working and funny. She likes much of the same music I’m into. I am not proud of this, but there was some mutual flirtation between us for quite a while, and I have been told she likes me (whatever that means). The problem is obviously that I am still with my wife, and I shouldn’t be thinking about anyone else. My glimmery friend has started commenting on guys she finds attractive and they are all completely different from me; she has also started dating again after her divorce a few years back. I guess I’m not her type, but there definitely was/is a spark there. At a minimum, it was nice to be liked by someone. The problem is that I really like her and would love to date her if my marriage ever ended. I cannot grudge the lady her happiness and I think she should be dating someone, but I just wish it was me! Still, who knows what the future will bring, and maybe she would consider me even if I’m not her “type”?

There was a debate on the private forum about whether or not I am limerent for this woman. While this feels totally different from my experience with my LO, I am definitely saddened by the change in attitude from my glimmery friend and the fact she is dating someone now. Still, this whole experience has told me that it never was about my LO. It was all entirely about my marital problems and my subconscious mind telling me I should be with someone. I find that I am much more open to thinking about eventually being with someone else — not my wife, LO or glimmery friend and likely someone I haven’t even met yet. I find the whole idea quite exciting in many ways (I know that’s wrong in some ways, but more on that below).

Things have not improved with my wife, but I have been doing what I believe is the right thing in being steadfast, open and honest with her that I am leaning towards separation and divorce and that the spark is completely gone for me. She is kind of burying her head in the sand in a way, but I am not going to lie to her or give her false hope. On the other hand, I am at least willing to go the counselling route, and we are going to go for sure in January. I finally convinced her to focus on having the best Christmas and we can and deal with our marriage and family issues in January. I believe she is still trying to fool herself into thinking everything will be alright, but I am not going to try to make things out to be completely fine when they’re not. I am at least willing to have my mind changed, but I am about 95% sure I want us to go our separate ways — and I am basically fine with that at this point. I am at peace with my decision, but I still worry about how badly separation and divorce would impact her. Still, I do still love her in many ways, and I don’t want to lose all of our shared memories and waste all of that time spent together. There is a chance counselling will help — and I am willing to go into it with an open mind and in good faith — but more than anything I need to be satisfied that I gave it a try. I know that divorce would break my wife’s heart and destroy her in many ways, but I also have to think of myself and my daughter and what’s best for all of us. When the thought of staying with her for the rest of my life feels bleak, boring, unappealing, unexciting and like a life left unfulfilled, I think that is telling me a lot.

Hi Leonela, and welcome!

I think the best thing to do is to stick to what you agreed. Help on the project if he reaches out, but don’t volunteer yourself. Then, maintain your other boundaries. If you change your mind now, it might feed the uncertainty further (why is she changing her mind? What will he think of me changing my mind? etc. etc. down the rumination spiral).

But, looking ahead, be clear on your goal. No contact is the best way to wean yourself off him for good, and if you are able to implement it without leaving any open “back doors” then it is likely to work best.

Good luck!

Nensi God will help you if you trust him and ask. I’ve been there and done that.

Yes, it feels like you killed a beautiful harmless thing. The only problem is that it wasn’t harmless. To be in an uneven relationship, dear friend on one side, and deeply in love on the other, does terrible damage to the one on the deeply in love side. The friend side will go on and find people they are romantically interested in, (or maybe already are) while the deeply in love side is just stuck in an emotional prison of hopes that aren’t being fulfilled. And being stuck in that prison is very bad for one’s long term mental and emotional health. You both will heal and think of one another fondly in the years to come, but without pain. It just takes time. You did the right thing.

Right now, every single thought in my mind goes around his sad, beautiful face, and him repeating two or three questions over and over, “Not even for your birthday, or New year… Not even to ask you how are you once in a year?” And me, repeating like a machine, “no, no, just no, never”.
Like two very much disappointed children, and he is five years older than me, and I’m 35. Almost like a burlesque.