This is about where I am with LO now. I disclosed to my wife about my limerence for this now former co-worker and tried to explain it this way when my wife asked if I was in love with LO.

“I want him to be happy and if we had a genuine friendship, I would be a great friend”

And this is where I am now. LO has found a young man to be with that genuinely cares for LO and her daughters. And I am so happy for her as when I first starting working with her she had just been through a bad divorce with an ex that still trying to be toxic in her life. That is genuine happiness for her.

Being married I was never a match for her romantically. But I did feel I had an amalgam platonic-crush feelings for her at the start. But it seemed that about a year into knowing her the limerence hit and I actually started seeing as the wonderful lady she is and not just a pretty face.

I tried to explain this to my wife and tell her that yes I did love LO but was not in love with her. I told my wife I cared about LO and her daughters (who I both got to meet on more than one occasion). I was invested in them for the betterment of their lives. But she didn’t understand and still thought I was just in an EA with LO.

So I agree with you. But I also agree with Mary …

“But they are definitely two separate entities, and stupid limerence is so blinding, it’s hard for us (at least for me) to differentiate.”

Especially since I found this place and have been educating myself on limerence. There’s a fine line between a friendly platonic love and limerence. This is why, while I didn’t get a choice in LO moving to another job, I do purposefully deny myself any contact with LO. At least I don’t initiate any since I could call/text her if I wanted to. I know my limits and despite having a respectful love for her, stupid limerence is indeed so blinding.

“Only know you love her when you let her go.”
Let Her Go — Passenger

@Benjamin… aaawww, feeling all of your feels. That’s almost what happened to me! When LO said he was interested in dating someone (and had the audacity to show me her fb profile), my heart skipped a beat and not in a good way. The only satisfaction I got is that after I shared her photos from social media with a hetero friend, his first genuine response was “damn, but she looks like an anorexic Snoopy. You are far more attractive than she is! I wouldn’t sleep with that.” Well, in an interesting twist of events, she actually ended up dumping my LO’s ass after a few weeks. Apparently, he couldn’t commit to a relationship. Which is the ultimate clusterfuck for me because I think I’ve stumbled upon that one LO who actually is also a combo of dissmissive avoidant/spectrumy and commitment challenged. But according to him, he’s still looking for the one at 43 yo after not even coming close in his entire adult life. Needless to say, I draw a slight satisfaction from realizing slowly it could just be him, not I with issues. For reference, we’re all single adults, no SOs. Which in a way, stings more?

This is a fair point. You can definitely be limerent for some AND love that person spontaneously. But they are definitely two separate entities, and stupid limerence is so blinding, it’s hard for us (at least for me) to differentiate.

I’m going to challenge the “limerance isn’t love” part. Not to get philosophical but what is love? I care deeply about LO, I would never wish him harm (okay, carrying some resentment but no ill will), I want him to be happy and if we had a genuine friendship, I would be a great friend to him. For this reason, I love him. And yes, he might be slightlyon the pedestal but I also know his “bad” qualities and they don’t deter me at all. From my experience, this is what love feels like. Unselfish genuine care for the other person.

When I disclosed to LO #4, she said, “Wow! I had no idea. I’m flattered, and under different circumstances, might even be curious. But, circumstances are what they are.”

That didn’t make me feel any better.

Thinking about it again, that scenario with my classmate doesn’t really fit because she wasn’t in a position to date me, so it never was an “almost relationship.” Still, I think there was a spark there and things might have turned out differently if she was available (although she was quite different from me and was into things like hunting, which I have no interest in).

@ Scharnhorst: I saw these articles myself, and I too thought they made a lot of sense. Grieving “almost relationships” seems illogical, but for a lot of people the pain can be very real — and it is real. I am reminded of a huge crush I had on one of my classmates in university and how devastated I was when I found out she was living with a guy and practically married to him back in her hometown. I flirted with her pretty shamelessly for a while and she claimed not to know how I felt about her until very late in the game. It took a while to get over her (incidentally, she was a redhead, or at least she had gingery-brown hair). Looking back, I believe it was limerence. I also think my LO is kind of going through something like this with my brother in-law (eye roll, I know 🙂 ).