https://marriagehelper.com/choosing-lover-spouse/

This is a good article

@ Fading Light: Sorry, I just noticed your comment now, over a week later. I don’t know how I would feel. The temptation to be with her if the feelings were mutual would be so irresistible, but I know how utterly illogical it would be to leave my wife and the mother of my child for a woman I spent two hours with in a bar, who was totally into my brother in-law to boot. But if I really got to know her and the feelings were mutual, who knows? Even then, it would have to be after really trying to patch things up with my wife. I think relationships can work with LOs, but leaving your SO while in a state of limerence is a very dangerous thing to do because our minds aren’t clear or logical when we’re in a limerent fog.

Hi Vicarious Limerent, if your LO was reciprocating your love, would you be able to consider divorcing your SO? Or will you always consider that a stable, safe SO is always better than a getting in a relationship with a LO?

Lee-Anne, NC is the best you can do. I was fortunate to annoy my LO that much and passively show him that I don’t wish to stay friends that he gave up and left me alone, which I am really really glad.
I even tested it once by reaching out via text to get a reaction, and he basically showed me as well that he couldn’t care less.
Our last conversation in person ended with him asking me when he’ll see me again, and I replied that I don’t know and walked away. I think that killed it for us finally.

You need to get to a mindset where it is ok that he is out of your live, that there is no reason for him to be there, and that that it is no loss to you.

I don’t want to be friends with LO. Being friends is not the next best thing if you can’t be together. I wanted to be with him during my limerence highs, but for various reasons that was not an option. Staying friends is not possible for me, cause I feel/felt that I always want more. We had such a special connection, but I cannot have such a connection with anyone other than my SO. So if LO is not becoming my SO, LO has to go. There is literally no room for LO, there is nothing to seek from him (anymore). I wouldn’t mind having LO as an ‘acquaintance’, he is not a bad person and I appreciate him and his opinions very much, but too much has happened that that would be possible.

Sarah, I go from adoration to anger about 100 times a day, it does my head in.
I seriously wish I could walk past LO and not give a flying toss……. I am a long, long way from feeling indifferent, I haven’t felt indifference towards him for about 2.5 years.
I’d kill for indifference!!
Right now I am watchful and waiting, routines have resumed and I am waiting to see if life goes back to normal or if LO has permanently disappeared from my social scene. We’ve been N/C for 7 weeks now. Yes I know I shouldn’t give a shit but I do. I think if he’s gone it will kick my anger up another notch, it might be the kick up the ass I need to stay N/C.
Part of me wants him to take the decision out of my hands and the other part is petrified I’ll never see him again. I then feel depressed, an emotion I am trying really, really hard to stay away from.

Well it’s like a spectrum of 1= totally in love (or completely limerent) to -1= hating the person. The goal is to end up at 0 being indifferent.
But the way I see it, anger is good, as something has changed and the needle jumped from the positive side to the negative. It’s like a pendulum swinging back and forth, eventually the extremes get less and it will slowly swing around the 0.

@Carolina,
YES! The repulsion! It’s so healthy but sad and sickening at the same time! Definitely a step towards knocking them off their pedestal!

@Rachel
When I was in the throws of a multi-year LE I drove right smack into the side of a car turning left right in FRONT of me….because I was so lost in thought about LO who had turned cold for a spell. Fortunately nobody was hurt, but my insurance went up! I should have taken that as a cautionary tale and gone NC, but it took me several more years to finally do it. You are making much quicker progress than I did! Keep up the good work! You got this!

Ok how about the emotion of almost repulsion (as you notice their narcissistic tendencies) and the feeling of ‘what the heck was I thinking comparing this LO to my truly amazing SO’? I can bring this feeling almost immediately while recounting certain situations/ LO’s behavior. It does lead to some self-anger but I think it’s maybe a step towards stopping to idolize them..