I’m away on holiday at the moment, but following on from Owen’s case study last week, here’s an interesting video from the School of Life about how to choose a partner wisely:
It’s a great sentiment, but it does highlight one of the difficulties of dating as a limerent.
Mostly, we respond to people who cause the glimmer for us, and then fall deeply into obsessive infatuation.
We don’t look around at the people in our social group and think: hmm, which of them like me? I’ll choose the best option from them.
Don’t get me wrong, I know people who have done that, but I guess the 90% of people who “make the mistake” of pursuing people who might not be into them are responding to their own romantic desires.
Then again, a lot of limerents who contact me say that thinking the LO was attracted to them was a massive trigger for their limerence. So, that would work well with this principle, assuming they aren’t overinterpreting the LO’s interest.
What do we think?
How feasible is it to limit your options to only those who show enthusiastic interest in you?
Choosing a life partner for compatibility may mean rejecting more relationships than you pursue.
Years ago, an attractive neighbor (who was also my running partner) and I had a serious conversation about what each of us wanted in life, and it was apparent that our long-term goals did not overlap. We did not try to be more than friends; in fact, we weren’t even really friends (or running partners) after that discussion.
After this person started dating someone else I knew, I felt envy and regret that I had not pursued a relationship, however short. I thought that should have been me, us, walking into a certain party together, and I thought of this person as unfinished business for quite a while…
But 18 years later, I have no regrets. I am satisfied that we behaved maturely and respectfully by not trying to get close when there wasn’t potential for much. There is a high opportunity cost (and other costs) to being with someone you know you won’t be with for long, just because of attraction right now.
This story reminds me of a lady I once knew who claimed that she had many men who wanted to marry her when she was young. I asked her how she made her choice. She proudly said, “I chose the one who loved me the most.” And it apparently was the right choice for her.
That sounds simple, but it certainly isn’t. Assuming the woman was even telling me the truth (?), people change. When I got married, my husband ADORED me and treated me very well. His behavior deteriorated over the years until I realized that he was an abusive narcissist. He dumped me unexpectedly when our children were young and it’s been a struggle ever since.
He also shaved off his beard and I realized he had no chin.
Considering how much people can change over the course of a long-term relationship, I would not even know how to approach this topic.
Yeah, my SO and I have diverged so much in our thinking over the past decades that it’s hard to find common ground on everything from religion to politics. Yet in the beginning we were much closer together. Then there’s his negativity that has proved to be quite a burden over the years. We’d been living together for two years when we got married, so it wasn’t as if we didn’t already know each other. We just changed so much as the world changed around us.
I’ll admit that I had not watched the video before I posted, but my point remains the same. Mutual attraction or enthusiasm is a necessary condition but it’s not sufficient for “choosing a partner wisely,” at least not in the long run.
I got better at dating in my late 20s after I did some analysis. I identified common traits about who my exes were and how we met (the good or neutral things they had in common). Then I focused on attracting more people like those who had already been interested in me, instead of fighting the trend to find some ideal I had in my mind (or my parents’ ideal, but that’s another story).
One more post on this… the idea was to start with a population that already is interested, and from there make sure your goals are aligned.
There was a dating app with a phrase that really resonated with me: soulmates are goal mates. I think this is mostly true. I concede Norma’s point that people change, however, and the dynamics of a relationship can change when each person does (not) achieve the goals from the time that they met.
Yes, the above advice is an excellent starting point but it’s not intended to be comprehensive. There are plenty other considerations besides.
I have just finished your book Smitten. Loved it! And enormously helpful, thankyou.
I have had many limerent episodes over the years, and had always equated limerence with love. Now I understand that this not necessarily the case.
So: What does love without limerence look and feel like? I have no idea, and am unable to imagine it!
Hi Nick!
What does love without Limerence look and feel like? I imagined it like a fairy tale most of my life.
Couldn’t understand how some people could couple up for a long time and seem to be so much in love without being clingy. I just couldn’t grasp it myself.
I am (was) a co-dependent with an anxious/avoidant attachment style (in therapy now) so I would only be attracted to partners that I would have to chase and beg for attention! lol
Most nice, stable men that were interested in me I wouldn’t even give them the time of day.
So, now it’s a whole new ball game.
Everyone knows me here as the armchair advice giver lol
I’m getting to the root of my Limerence and I tell you, it’s an eyeopener.
Point is, I’m dating again and this time I’m going in with eyes and mind wide open, so hopefully down the road I can experience genuine love without extreme infatuation.
I’ll keep you posted.
Songs of the Blog:
“Could It Be Love” – Jennifer Warnes (1981)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F7biFbL1nqU
“Well it seems right
(Could it be love)
But I wonder
(Could it be love)
And it feels right
Oh but I wonder
(Could it be love)
If we know how true love feels”
“I Want To Know What Love Is” – Foreigner (1983)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QhUxvnlB150
When my material grandfather died, we had to move to take care of grandmother. Before my parents bought a house we stayed with my paternal grandparents when I was 7. Until my grandfather died from emphysema when I was 17, both my grandparents stayed married. They didn’t fight or hate each other. But they rarely spoke to each other and slept in two separate bedrooms.
I have a very good instinct that my mother stays in her marriage to be the obedient Christian woman. Again, I have no fear that my father is abusive or anything. But I think it is the changes that people go through the ages. And I wonder if my mother is not to sure about the religion anymore and may want out but fears doing so.
I know this is going to sound pessimistic, but I wonder if any LTR can TRULY last till the end. Or if for our own reasons we carry on. People change. If you told 20 something me about what I did with LO I would have told my older self I was a pos.
What I mean is that I think no matter what goals, commonalities, and qualities that align in the beginning when choosing a life partner they won’t always survive the test of time. I was challenged to “save” my wife through Christianity in the beginning. Until I realized that I cannot do that. Only she can. And that’s only if she wants to be “saved”. So I changed and abandoned that and learned to appreciate her own beliefs. I never cared to have children. We did. I look like I am going to a formal function and she’s in sweatpants and a hoodie when we go to the store. We all change. I think that is the greatest challenge to a LTR.
Adam,
I’m 9 years older than my wife. I was 32 when we met and she was a week shy of 23. She was a year out of college and starting her second year as a teacher.
As things progressed and I thought about asking her to marry me, I thought long and hard about the age difference. I knew she’d change more between 20-30 than I would between 30-40. I also knew that the size of those changes would shrink over time.
I asked myself 3 questions:
1. Is she the woman I want to come home to at night?
2. Is she the woman I want to wake up next to in the morning?
3. Is she the woman I want to grow old with?
The answer to all of them was “Yes,” so I asked her to marry me. We’re going on 37 years. I got past my trip down the rabbit hole with LO #4 and I can’t see anyone in my life but my wife.